The Elvis Revenge Tour

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Post by macdavid »

Has everyone forgotten that creepy, scrounging, deceitful, smarmy, greaseball of humanity, Tom Parker?

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Post by JeroenNL »


Amen, brother!!... Great little piece you wrote!!. :D

I would like to include a stop at the house of Ginger Alden and family.

I would like to be so bold to state that on August 16th, 1977, she left Elvis dying on the bathroom floor, called James Kirk (National Enquierer), called her mom then stepped over the lifeless body of Elvis, took a shower, dressed herself, put on her make-up and then finally called for help. In the aftermath of that fatal day she presented herself 'as the bride to be' and sued the Presley family over a house that Elvis was supposed to pay for.

I suggest that The Elvis Revenge Tour generously presents the Alden family with the same fountain as on the grave of Al Goldman: only now filled with a truckload of sh*t.

'What A Friend We Have In Jesus...'

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Post by Pete Dube »

Now it's time for the icing on the cake, so to speak, of our revenge tour whores. I'm talking about EPE, who's dedication to making millions off of Elvis' name at the expense of taste knows no bounds - including the marketing of ducks, jumpsuits, and wigs!

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Post by Scatter »

Right you are Pete............and awaaaaaay we go!!!!!!

The next stop on our tour is the corporate offices of EPE........

If you'll look out of the tour bus windows on the left, you will see the corporate ofices of EPE. The offices are located in a 12 story replica of an RCA television set with its screen shot out. The coin-operated front gates are just ahead of us.

As we enter the front gates (a nearly exact replication of the music gates from Graceland.........except the musical notes are replaced with dollar signs) you will notice that a luxurious employee lounge (The Goldman Center) is housed in a building that looks like the racquetball court at Graceland.

Inside you will find a spa with such amenities as a tanning room (where you lie upon tanning beds that are exact duplicates of Elvis' bronze grave marker, with the sunlamp in the place where the eternal flame should sit), and a cafeteria that serves only tuna fish and alcohol (where you are served by women who are surgically altered to look like Dee Stanley, and who all have big feet and are currently pregnant).

Just to our right, past the "ETA Training Center and Institute of False Vibrato", you will see the company infirmary in a building shaped like an enormous prescription bottle. The Dr Nick Memorial Clinic is open 24 hours a day for your convenience, and staffed with the largest contingent of deaf, dumb, and blind pharmacists anywhere on the planet.

The Elias Ghanem Weight Loss Clinic is down the north hallway, the Tom Cruise Birthing Room is in the west wing, and the Max Shapiro Dental Office is down the east corridor. There is also a convenient prescription delivery service. They are currently looking for Stanley brother look-alikes to drive the delivery vans.

In the middle of the complex you will see a large open air park....... a Scientology meditation center called The Garden Of Gullibility.
There we can walk among statues of many of Scientology's most famous adherents (be careful though........that statue of Priscilla you're staring at may actually be the real thing. The best way to tell is to stand there and see if it reaches for your wallet). The heavily forested area is known as Travolta's Woods, where you can hike the Lisa Marie "Can't See The Forest For The Trees" Nature Trail.

The next buildings we will pass on the way out are the New Product Development Building and the Department of Product Promotion. These buildings are located in Parker Place, a seedy,decrepit, and weed strewn abandoned carnival site.

If there are any Dutch passengers on the bus, or any INS agents, you must disembark here for your own safety. The Parker Security agents that patrol here are trained to react just as Parker did in real life. And he has killed before.

The New Product division is concerned with the creation and manufacture of all new EPE products. Oddly enough, every employee is required to be either deaf or blind......or preferrably both.

This is not a show of compassion and confidence for the abilities of those who are physically challenged, however. EPE has simply come to realize (through long experience) that when those who are responsible for New Products can see or hear, they will inevitably become enraptured by Elvis' enormous talent and will therefore want to create products featuring Elvis actually performing. This must be avoided at all cost. A complimentary Elvis duck,Elvis wig,Elvis trash can OR Elvis Litter Box Liner is included in the $39.95 tour price.

The Department of Product Promotion Building employees are responsible for the promotion of all Presley musical or film products.

Naturally, it is empty.

As we exit the EPE Corporate Complex, you will see directly across the way the enormous building made of gleaming glass and steel where are housed the Corporate Legal Teams of EPE.

This is where over 7,000 attorneys work day and night to protect the Elvis image, voice, or name, from abuse by unauthorized, cheap, and tacky merchandisers.

This is, of course, so that the Elvis image, voice, and name, can be abused by authorized cheap and tacky merchandisers.

Just behind the legal complex you will see huge clouds of black smoke. This emanates from the Grob Incinerator, where all unauthorized products seized by the legal team are burned to ashes.

If you look closely, you can see the massive, seemingly endless piles of unauthorized Elvis trash cans, posters, wigs, glasses, ducks, bears, jumpsuits, blue suede shoes, sheets, towels, slippers, nail clippers, fondue dippers, pancake flippers, RCA Nippers, cd rippers, jumpsuit zippers, etc.

And, just inside the exit gates........loading into trucks headed for merchandisers the world over........ you will see authorized Elvis trash cans, posters, wigs, glasses, ducks, bears, jumpsuits, blue suede shoes, sheets, towels, slippers, nail clippers, fondue dippers, pancake flippers, RCA Nippers, cd rippers, jumpsuit zippers, etc.

We here at Elvis Revenge Tours hope you have enjoyed our excursion into EPE's Corporate Complex.

And the next stop on our tour is...............

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Post by Elvis' Babe »

jack soden

another guy that needs a kick from elvis' fancy white boot.

"Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the big, freaky International Hotel. Those little weirdo dolls on the walls. And those little funky angels on the ceiling. Uh, this is my first live appearance in 9 years. H-uhh! Thank you. I've appeared dead a few times, but this is my first live appearance. Before the evening is up, I will have made a complete and total fool of myself, and I hope you get a kick out of watching it." --EP

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Post by TJ »

TCB TED wrote:Ginger stayed in it for what she could get ...
And that conclusion is based on what exactly? The way I see it, Ginger's class in not selling Elvis out over the last 28 years tells us a lot about her character and whether or not she is the moneygrabbing kind. Given the time period that she knew him, a tell all book would no doubt have attracted lucrative offers from the tabloids. Evidently, Elvis' dignity was more important to her than cash.
TCB TED wrote: I just never felt that she had the love for the man that Linda had ... you know, shame he's dead, now lets help momma sue for the pool that Elvis promised us. If not Ginger, then the senior
Mrs. Alden should get a tour visit for trying to extract revenue from Elvis' estate so soon after his death.
I think that has been sufficiently explained. They didn't sue because his death meant they didn't get the pool, they sued because they would have been saddled with debt for an arrangement that Elvis made.

Oh and that was a good read Scatter. Add the option to throttle Dee to the itinerary and I'll buy a ticket :wink:

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Post by Scatter »

Perhaps a stop at the Stanley trailer could be worked into the itinerary just for you my friend :lol:

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Post by elvisjock »

Scatter wrote:Perhaps a stop at the Stanley trailer could be worked into the itinerary just for you my friend :lol:
While your there be sure and grab any advance copies of The Headhunter, and make a bonfire.

Oh, and please, have sex with Billy Stanley's wife if at all possible.

"Don't tell me to play it. I will when I get ready. Do you understand me?"

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Re: The Elvis Revenge Tour

Post by jurasic1968 »

So Ginger did that? She took a shower and after that made makeup, call his mom and tabloids? And only after all these called for help????? To me it's unbeleiveable. If Elvis wasn't dead, every second was vital.