Chat talk and light discussion

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:23 am

Luuk wrote:Elsewhere someone mentioned something about lack of good taste

and?

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:27 am

Mitch wrote:A woman walked up to a clerk in her local drugstore and asked him to tell her where she could find AA batteries.

"Come this way," the clerk said, gesturing with two fingers.

"If I could cum that way, I wouldn't need the batteries," the woman said.


::rocks

good one

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:30 am

A set of Jumper Cables walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer"
Bartender says "Ok but don't start nothing"

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:34 am

A man walked into a bar,and said ouch......it was an iron bar

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:41 am

Man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says"Give me a beer ,, and one for the road" :mrgreen:

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:45 am

Two antenneas got married , the ceremony went ok , but the reception sucked!

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:41 pm

An Irishman walks into a pub. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a pint of Guinness. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The barman nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus a Guiness too.

The next guy to come in was a Scotsman with a bad back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a scotch. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The barman nodded, so the Scot said to give Him a scotch too.

Then a Scouser staggers in, falls against the bar and orders a pint. He also looked down the bar and drunkingly asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The barman nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a pint too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Scotsman and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Scotsman felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and shouted, "You can f*ck off!! I'm on disability!"

Re: Jokes

Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:29 pm

A vegetable that likes to fight ?

-Brock Lee *groans*

Re: Jokes

Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:12 am

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!! By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."

Re: Jokes

Sun Jul 03, 2011 11:47 am

Very funny. :lol:


I like that one.

::rocks

Re: Jokes

Sun Jul 03, 2011 6:46 pm

Yeah very funny cheers mitch.

Re: Jokes

Thu Jul 07, 2011 4:45 am

Cheers to you rocknroller! :)


1. Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

Because they are handmade.


2. What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."


3. Two men were having drinks together when one said to the other, "A few days ago my wallet was stolen, and the person who took it has been using my credit cards all week."
"Why haven't you called the credit card companies to report them stolen?" his friend asked.
"Because the thief spends less money than my wife," the man replied.


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:39 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Jokes

Fri Jul 22, 2011 7:44 am

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

Re: Jokes

Fri Jul 22, 2011 8:06 pm

Nice! :D

Re: Jokes

Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:54 am

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white wedding dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache, my legs hurt, I no work today."

The boss says:

"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go
to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And
by the way, you got nice house."

Re: Jokes

Thu Aug 18, 2011 11:26 am

Good one delboy :lol:

Re: Jokes

Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:45 am

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man
A shot of Novocain. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the
Patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man
Objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having
The gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to
Taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine
With pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain
Killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you
Something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Wed Aug 24, 2011 4:05 am

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Re: Jokes

Wed Aug 24, 2011 8:12 am

EPA4368 wrote:A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"



:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Jokes

Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:11 am

So I'm standing at a bar in glasgow and this little Chinese guy is stood at the side of me.
So I asked him do you know martial arts like Kung Fu and ju-jitsu...
He replied why the f*ck you ask me that.. Is it because I'm Chinese?!
I said no it's because your drinking my pint you little c*nt

Re: Jokes

Fri Sep 02, 2011 3:07 am

:D :lol: :)

Re: Jokes

Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:38 pm

God is walking through the Garden of Eden when he sees Adam rinsing his mouth in the river. He says, "What are you doing my son?" Adam says, "I just had oral sex with Eve and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth." God says, "F”ck it, now all of my fish are going to smell like Eve!"

2 truck drivers stopped late at night at a Family Diner to find some food. Their waitress was the ugliest old woman in the state with hair growing from her nose & ears, sweat stains stiffer than the best starch and bare feet.” We’re almost closed but we'll find something to fix for you hard workers”, the Waitress told them.” I’ll have a couple of hamburgers and fries” ordered one guy. The other driver wanted 2 hot dogs and fries. As they sat at the counter the old lady took 2 beef patties from the freezer and slapped one under each armpit. “What in Hell are you doing?” Screamed the first driver. “Well Honey I've got to thaw out the meat before it's cooked and this is how we always do it here”. As the second driver left the Diner he called back “Forget the Hot Dogs”!!!

An old man married a 16 year old girl and in no time she was pregnant. The old man made a nuisance of himself by constantly telling everyone “there may be snow on the roof but there's fire in the furnace”. On the evening of delivery the Nurse announced to the Old Man in the waiting room your wife has twins. The Old Man leapt with joy and shouted for the thousandth time "There may be snow on the roof but there’s FIRE in my furnace." To which the Nurse replied “You may have fire in the furnace but your filters need changing..Both these babies are black”.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter. The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?" St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed." St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun. "I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower. "Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?" "Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear." The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl. "Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers."From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

Re: Jokes

Thu Sep 08, 2011 9:00 pm

lol lmao lmfao great jokes cheers delboy :smt023

Re: Jokes

Mon Sep 26, 2011 4:02 pm

:lol:

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night ;-)