Chat talk and light discussion

Jokes

Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:02 pm

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Drums.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.............

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"No chance" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go
blind?"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screw fix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been
bedridden? She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few
times too.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously
not listening.....

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She
said "is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me talking to
the beer".

"Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the
casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it
was."

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:56 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now. because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we’re going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language!”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. “All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!”

She heard her little darling continue. “For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Re: Jokes

Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:31 am

3 old men setting on a park bench
one was 70 one was 80 and one was 90
the 70 yr old said...i just wish i could take a heathly pee again
the 80 yr old said i just wish i could take a heathly crap again
the 90 yr old said i dont have any of those problems
every morning at 7am i take a good pee.
and about 8am i take a good crap
my problem is i don't wake up till around 10 oclock.

::rocks

Re: Jokes

Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:35 am

lol some good ones there

Re: Jokes

Fri Jun 17, 2011 5:48 am

Thanks for the good laughs! :lol:

Keep this going!


::rocks :smt006

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:03 am

good stuff lads some funny one's there.

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:11 am

we took the kids to blackpool pleasure beach yesterday,after it the wife said to me "if you were to compare me to one of the attractions what one would it be ? " i replied it would say the big dipper,its old, looks like sh*t but its still a good ride !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 20, 2011 11:30 am

Some great laughs there, guys, thanks !

How about a visual one:

img096.jpg


Would be even funnier if it weren't true !
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:36 pm

ColinB wrote:Some great laughs there, guys, thanks !

How about a visual one:

img096.jpg


Would be even funnier if it weren't true !



:lol: very true colin.

Re: Jokes

Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:19 am

Kenny G walks into an elevator and says….
“WOW! This place rocks!"

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

What goes “Click Click is it done yet?” “Click Click is it done yet?”
Stevie Wonder playing with a Rubik’s Cube.

Re: Jokes

Fri Jun 24, 2011 4:55 am

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Re: Jokes

Fri Jun 24, 2011 8:37 am

:lol: good one.

Re: Jokes

Fri Jun 24, 2011 8:46 am

Bob the builder walks up to a girl in a club and say's to her " i've got an eight dick and i can shag all night " after a couple of drinks ,she takes him home with her.the next morning she says to him" you told me you had an eight inch dick and you can go all night. you've got a five inch dick and you only last 3 minutes , bob says im a builder love thats just an estimate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Jokes

Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:31 pm

Guy comes in a bar and tells the bartender want a Schlitz beer and to just keep them coming , so after about 12 of them he goes home and starts blowing Chunks all night.
The next day he goes back to the bar and says "I don't think I want anymore of that Schlitz beer it had me blowing Chunks all nite!" The Bartender replied "You should have known drinking that many Schlitz was going to make you sick"
The man replied " You don't understand Chunks is my Dog!" :mrgreen:

Re: Jokes

Sun Jun 26, 2011 8:13 pm

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-Spot?

A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball. :)


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:34 am

How do you make your girlfriend scream while you're having sex?

Call her and tell her.

::rocks

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:15 am

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:29 pm

A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

The dad said, "well that's what a pussy looks like before sex."

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:49 pm

Delboy wrote:A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

The dad said, "well that's what a pussy looks like before sex."

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!




:lol: WOW thats well sick !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:30 pm

Elsewhere someone mentioned something about lack of good taste

Re: Jokes

Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:13 pm

Luuk wrote:Elsewhere someone mentioned something about lack of good taste



Well keep it to yourself then !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Jokes

Tue Jun 28, 2011 5:23 am

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:31 am

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard. :)


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:34 am

What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent woman?

Bigfoot has been spotted several times. :wink:


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 29, 2011 4:41 am

A woman walked up to a clerk in her local drugstore and asked him to tell her where she could find AA batteries.

"Come this way," the clerk said, gesturing with two fingers.

"If I could cum that way, I wouldn't need the batteries," the woman said.


::rocks