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The Elvis Revenge Tour

Sun Jun 19, 2005 11:52 am

After reading on this MB today how Albert Goldman's steaming piles of literary dung weren't really that bad after all.......I've decided to open a new business which will serve to educate, remind, and revenge us upon Elvis' enemies. Here's what I have so far.....

First, we fly via chartered airline (using the very plane upon which Albert Goldman achieved room temperature......his only achievement worth celebrating, BTW) to beautiful South Florida. There we embark upon the short journey from WPB INTL Airport to the palm nestled offices of the original National Enquirer in Boca Raton (where most of the vitriolic and defamatory articles about Elvis were penned). Unfortunately, we cannot extend the tour to the INSIDE of the offices since it is still infected with the anthrax virus. HMMMMMMM........

From there, it is a short jaunt to the well manicured lawns of SouthHaven Cemetary. There we will visit the final resting place of Robert Stevens, the unfortunate Nat'l Enquirer photo editor who perished in the aforementioned anthrax attack. Why visit his grave you say?? Well, he was the man given the assignment of doctoring the "coffin photo" of Elvis which reaped millions for the rag for which he toiled. Another sad end, no???

Then we wing on to Memphis, where we can visit the seedy apartment which houses the former Maven of WhiteHaven, Dee Stanley. Sadly for her, her despicable, lying insinuations of Presley incest never garnered her the wealth she so readily whored herself to obtain. We cannot stay in that neighborhood after dark since it is quite unsafe, which is unfortunate since the night hours are when her trade is most often plied. I don't know about you , but I'm seeing a trend here....

On we go L.A., where we may well spy the unfortunate visage of Priscilla Bealieu. We would provide photos of her when she was with Elvis, but they would be of no use in identifying her. Her plasticized, mannequin-like features resemble the former beauty only in the way that Madam Tussaud's wax figures of Elvis resemble him. If you squint, dim the lights, and pass by the figures in a speeding car during a hailstorm, some resemblance can be noticed. Close inspection is a definite no-no. We may well see her on our visit to the Scientology Institute, where she spends her time and our money convincing herself she is the spawn of aliens. Nonsense......we all know she is the spawn of Satan.

Our tour continues in Palm Springs, where we will visit the grave of Tom Parker. A dress code of loud Hawaiian shirts, unpressed khakis, and weatherbeaten fishing caps will be strictly enforced. All that stolen money does Tom precious little good where he now resides, and couldn't buy him out of his final abode....... I hear he's now run his gambling debts back up to 30 million. And Satan is not as likely to hold his marker as Conrad Hilton was. Sad indeed......

Then, on we go to the bedside of Lamar Fike. Initially he was diagnosed with heart trouble. That diagnosis was quickly jettisoned when it was discovered that, like the Cowardly Lion (who only found the courage to attack when his prey was already dead) he was missing this vital organ. Lest my intentions here be mistaken, I sincerely wish Lamar a speedy return to health. Especially since eternity with Goldman seems the next likely step otherwise.

Finally, we wind up our Revenge Tour with a visit to the brimstone spewing pit that houses the maggot-infested remains of Al Goldman. We here at Elvis Revenge Tour have spared no expense to make this final leg of your journey a satisfying one.
After months of unsuccessfully searching in vain for his unmarked and weed strewn hole, we were finally able to locate it by following the acrid smell of burning sulfur. Then, as a fitting tribute, we erected an outhouse-like structure over him that we appropriately named "DisGraceland". In the "Putrification Garden" is a urine-filled fountain which casts its golden reflection upon the grave. Your own liquid deposit into the fountain is both appreciated and encouraged. But I would advise against trying to retrieve the pocket change people toss in there.
Floral tributes of Hemlock, Ragweed, Cacti, and Poisons Ivy and Oak are present in abundance. There is a candlelight vigil every evening with the candles being lit from the molten brimstone which spews from the grave. The procession begins at the gates of the cemetary and winds along to the graveside where the flames are used to incinerate all available copies of his wretched prose. Finally, at the first light of dawn, Elvis' music is played at full volume around the graveside until dusk when the ritual defilement and candlelight tribute begin anew. For our new Tour members, please do not be alarmed at the loud and incessant banging and wailing which can be heard emanating from the ground during the entire time Elvis' music is played......this is merely Albert spinning within the confines of his coffin. Most fans find the sounds soothing.

Any other Tour stops you can think of will be considered for inclusion.

reaction

Sun Jun 19, 2005 8:16 pm

Quite an imagination you've got there, Scatter...and a way with words!

Mon Jun 20, 2005 2:32 am

Thanks Heath......but I was hoping to get some ideas for additional Tour stops. Anything come to mind???

Re: The Elvis Revenge Tour

Mon Jun 20, 2005 2:39 am

Scatter wrote:
On we go L.A., where we may well spy the unfortunate visage of Priscilla Bealieu. We would provide photos of her when she was with Elvis, but they would be of no use in identifying her. Her plasticized, mannequin-like features resemble the former beauty only in the way that Madam Tussaud's wax figures of Elvis resemble him. If you squint, dim the lights, and pass by the figures in a speeding car during a hailstorm, some resemblance can be noticed. Close inspection is a definite no-no. We may well see her on our visit to the Scientology Institute, where she spends her time and our money convincing herself she is the spawn of aliens. Nonsense......we all know she is the spawn of Satan.

Any other Tour stops you can think of will be considered for inclusion.


:D
Hilarious.

For consideration of inclusion on the grand tour:
Other select members of the MM
Vernon
Linda Thompson

Mon Jun 20, 2005 2:49 am

Now quasar, this is the REVENGE Tour.....an opportunuty to exact our pound of flesh from those who deserve it. Vernon and Linda hardly qualify. Think Stone, Ghanem, Shapiro,etc......

Mon Jun 20, 2005 3:03 am

Scatter wrote:Now quasar, this is the REVENGE Tour.....an opportunuty to exact our pound of flesh from those who deserve it. Vernon and Linda hardly qualify. Think Stone, Ghanem, Shapiro,etc......


Oh yea, there are others, for sure.

But I maintain that Vernon and Linda each rightly deserve to be included.
:lol:

Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:17 am

:?: What, no Doctor Nick on the tour ... if the pilot gets sleepy, Doctor Feelgood could provide him with a jar of uppers for a tiny fee!

The last stop could be at Stella Steven's home .... for a small fee, she could provide virtually any service imaginable.

Mon Jun 20, 2005 2:11 pm

Scatter:

Fantastic idea. May I respectfully include the following stop on your tour (don't know how it fits in geographically):

You need to include a visit to Donna Presley Early. There seem to be so many women willing to whore themselves to associate their names with Elvis Presley I am surprised no-one has thought of opening a brothel. The tour could include the opportunity to lock Donna Early up in a padded cell and force her to listen to endless selections from a proper musical (possibly allowing your guests to sing some to her for a small fee). Also you could include for your guests the option of sitting for several days in front of some sort of high-powered wind tunnel in order to achieve the Donna Early "look".

Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:21 pm

Well, if we're talking about people who, in some way, "wronged" EP or had a negative, detrimental effect in his life, then fundamentally, you'd have to include Vernon - a sorry old coot all the way around.

As well, we should not underestimate the contributions made by LT toward his demise. She did nothing to truly help him.

They certainly had more "influence" than any writer or movie co-star.

Frankly, though, the list is so long, this "revenge tour" could include enough people to comprise a spring, summer, fall, and winter tour.
Last edited by quasar3 on Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:26 pm

Continuing our revenge tour, over there in la la land is none other than Gail Brewer-Giorgio, she of the Elvis-faked-his-death conspiracy theory. Lord knows how much Brewer-Giorgio raked in from her wack-job theory.

And over there in the red light district we have Stella Stevens, one time playboy playmate-turned Hollywood actress. Ms. Stevens, Elvis-basher extraordinaire, actually went on record as saying that Sinatra was sexier than Elvis! Now, Sinatra was a lot of things, but sexy was not one of them. One suspects that Ms. Stevens Elvis bashing stems from the King denying her the privilege of the Royal Sceptor! Hell hath no fury and all that. But the pushin' 70 Ms. Stevens has returned to her roots so to speak, as she now supports herself by selling autographed photos of herself posing in lingerie for horny old men.

Tue Jun 21, 2005 5:06 am

NOW We're getting into the spirit of things!!! Stephen.....love the cheap and easy method of attaining the cheap and easy Early "look".....hilarious!!! Pete, GBG DEFINITELY merits a stop as well. Carolyn, I anxiously await your musical stylings.
I'm tickled three of my favorite posters took the time to contribute......but there's still an itinerary to complete. Any more suggestions out there???

.

Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:09 am

Perhaps a stop in sunny California to pay a urinary tribute to the gravesite of one Hal B Wallis. As we relieve ourselves on his final resting place we can reflect on how he and his favorite cahoot the Col. Tom took what should have been a fine film career for Elvis and turned it into a finance institution for other lesser deserving artists.

Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:19 am

Yup BG.....Hal merits a stop as well. Financing ART on the back of Elvis Presley travelogues without any consideration for the development of an actor who showed flashes of native brilliance is nothing less than immoral. But I believe that MOST of the blame here goes to Parker......though Wallis was an all too willing accomplice.

Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:57 am

Scatter - Hilarious, a man after my own heart

Qasar - LT did nothing to stop EP's demise? she only saved his life on more than one occassion............

How about adding UK journalist Chris Hutchins to the list? never missed a chance to slaughter/slavver/rubbish EP in print and was the author of the shite "Elvis & Lennon" book

Tom Jones..Elvis' one time friend who never misses a chance to belittle Elvis in interviews?

Mike Stone. who betrayed Elvis friendship by podging his wife

Mary J Blige .. this ignoramous after appearing on the VH1 divas elvis special apologised to her audience at her next live concert saying "They made me do it" aparantly this woman believes all the racist garbage that has been disproved so many times...

all these people deserved to be hung over a large vat of acid on a thin rope LOL

Wed Jun 22, 2005 5:28 am

Liverbobs wrote:Qasar - LT did nothing to stop EP's demise? she only saved his life on more than one occassion............


She, along with others, merely perpetuated a negative cycle.
True friends don't just pick up the pieces - they put the puzzle together and make sure it stays intact.

Wed Jun 22, 2005 8:54 am

quasar3 wrote:
Liverbobs wrote:Qasar - LT did nothing to stop EP's demise? she only saved his life on more than one occassion............


She, along with others, merely perpetuated a negative cycle.
True friends don't just pick up the pieces - they put the puzzle together and make sure it stays intact.


How can you save a man from himself? How can you get someone as strongwilled as Elvis of the downward spiral? someone who admitted that his worst trait was his self distructive nature?

Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:24 am

Let us not forget to make a stop in Nashville to pay our respects to the bones of the very wise individual at the Grand 'Ole Opry who told Elvis that he'd be better off if he stuck to driving a truck.
Last edited by Rob on Wed Jun 22, 2005 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:01 am

carolynlm wrote:Linda Thompson showed more compassion and love toward Elvis than any of his girlfriends, in my opinion, and I'm including Priscilla here. If Linda wasn't aware of the medication problem Elvis had, she sure would have found out quickly enough. How many times did she actually save Elvis' life? We will never know.......but the time came for her to realise that Elvis was on his own road to destruction....and she didn't want to go with him. I don't blame her one bit......Vernon, it seems, was also aware of Elvis' problems, but was unable to do anything for his own son. How many of us see our children making some dreadful mistakes, and it doesn't matter how old they are, but we are powerless to stop them. No, Linda and Vernon don't deserve to be on this list.


LT stayed long enough to achieve her own goals.

Writers of the books or some boyfriend of Priscilla are absolutely, totally inconsequential to the truly detrimental influences in his life.

The most detrimental, of course, was EP himself.

Wed Jun 22, 2005 9:57 pm

Interesting, Quasar. There are many topics on which people disagree in the Elvis world, but Linda Thompson has usually dodged that bullet. I'm not saying your opinion is wrong, just different than what we usually hear.

Wed Jun 22, 2005 11:33 pm

Hey Scatter, we've missed a big one: RCA Victor! Never has a major record company treated an artist of Elvis' caliber with such neglect. It wasn't until BMG took over and hired Ernst & Roger that Elvis' catalogue began to get the respect it deserved.

Let's let David Briggs have the last word on the old RCA: "They're the cheapest f*#ckin' record company!"

Thu Jun 23, 2005 3:55 am

KHoots wrote:Interesting, Quasar. There are many topics on which people disagree in the Elvis world, but Linda Thompson has usually dodged that bullet. I'm not saying your opinion is wrong, just different than what we usually hear.


Yes, she flys under the radar, for some reason. She was a significant part of the spiral-down-years. People tend to view her as some sort of saintly-motherly-savior, but imo, she basically reinforced and perpetuated his problems and insecurities and gawdy, depressing surroundings.

But, she was merely one of many . . . he had no true friends.

Thu Jun 23, 2005 6:58 am

If the tour is going to stop at Linda Thompson's house (David Foster's mansion, actually), shouldn't the tour at least stop by for a brief wave to Ginger Alden's home?
She certainly wasn't attentive to the needs and wants of her man, including sleeping whilst he took his last breath in an adjoining room ... Elvis was certainly attentive to the needs of the Alden family ... a shame it wasn't recriprocated.

Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:26 am

TCB TED wrote:She certainly wasn't attentive to the needs and wants of her man, including sleeping whilst he took his last breath in an adjoining room


I'm no fan of Ginger's but let's not be unreasonable here. Had she known that Elvis was going to die alone in the bathroom on that particular day, I'm sure things would have been different. The woman has to sleep sometime. After all, he had kept her up all night for his trip to the dentist and to watch him try to play racquetball.

If she is going to be blamed for something, sleeping while Elvis died is not it. She didn't put him in the condition he was in.

Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:47 am

I realize she needed her sleep, but at least Linda put herself onto Elvis' schedule and was very attentive to the state of his breathing ... basically, she slept when he slept, and when she got fed up with the nocturnal bizarreness of it all, she left.
Ginger stayed in it for what she could get ... I just never felt that she had the love for the man that Linda had ... you know, shame he's dead, now lets help momma sue for the pool that Elvis promised us. If not Ginger, then the senior
Mrs. Alden should get a tour visit for trying to extract revenue from Elvis' estate so soon after his death.

Thu Jun 23, 2005 12:29 pm

carolynlm wrote:I'm not a fan of Ginger's either, but it's not her fault that Elvis died.....the only time I would be absolutely disgusted with her is if anyone was able to prove to me with 100% accuracy that she was the person who rang the tabloids........


Bill Burk proved 100% that it was not Ginger who called the tabloids.