Off Topic Messages

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Oct 25, 2013 5:22 pm

Great jokes, post some more.

8)

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:04 pm

Rich_TCB wrote:Great jokes, post some more.

8)


Only if you say please, and you promise to stop pandering to Rob. :mrgreen:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:40 pm

I can't stop pandering to Rob.

His "Burning Love" boxer shorts drive me crazy.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:51 pm

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:09 pm

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:11 am

A wife wakes from bad dream one night scared and crying. Her husband comforts her and asks why she's so upset.

She replies, "I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you."

Her husband soothingly replies, "That's okay hunny, it was just a dream.

"The wife starts sobbing loudly,"I know that's why I'm crying"


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Nov 06, 2013 3:53 am

Three ole dudes sitting on a park bench
One was 70 one was 80 and one was 90 years old.

They were chatting about life, when the 70 yr old said.I just wish i could take a healthy piss,like i use to.
then the 80 yr old spoke up with,i just wish i could take a healthy shite,again!
the 90 yr old replyed with,I don't any of those problems,every moring around 6am i take a healthy pee
and then around 7am or so i have a heathy crap!!
My problem is...i don't wake up till around 9am!!
::rocks

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Nov 13, 2013 7:41 am

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Nov 20, 2013 4:15 pm

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Nov 22, 2013 11:24 pm

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!'

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.'

'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'



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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Nov 23, 2013 6:45 pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:03 am

LOL, I was getting sooooooooooooooooo stressed by him, lol

Clever :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Nov 29, 2013 4:15 am

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:20 pm

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have a vagina?'
'Yes, actually I do,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?



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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Dec 01, 2013 12:13 am

LOL, what a polite man, lol :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:07 pm

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:55 pm

LOL, very clever, :D Thank you TCB-FAN.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:46 am

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:28 am

LOL, poor guy

:D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Jan 20, 2014 12:55 am

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole..!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story -

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks....



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Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Jan 22, 2014 5:04 pm

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"



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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:36 pm

A rabbit and a bear are walking in the woods one day, when the bear happens upon a magic lamp. This bear is not very nice to the rabbit so he then picks up the rabbit and rubs the lamp. A genie pops out and says: "You have freed me, so you each get three wishes." The bear says: "I wish all of the bears in this region were female bears, except for me." The rabbit says: "I wish I had a motorcycle." The bear then says: "Ooh, I've got a good one. I wish all of the bears in the whole country were female bears, except for me." The rabbit says: "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." The bear's last wish is: "Ooh, ooh, here's the best one of all! Here goes. I wish that all of the bears in the whole world were female bears, except for me. Then the rabbit says: "I wish the bear right next to me was a female." The rabbit then hops on his motorcycle and drives away as fast as he can..


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Thu Jan 30, 2014 4:08 am

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Thu Jan 30, 2014 4:13 am

LOL :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Feb 03, 2014 6:16 am

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