Off Topic Messages

Joke Of The Day

Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:43 am

Nymphomaniacs Convention

> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced
> up
> and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
> she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
> the seat right beside his.

>Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or
> pleasure?"

> She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
> Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"

> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
> sitting
> next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
> business
> role at the convention?"

> "I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from
> my
> own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
> sexuality."

> "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

> "Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
> the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
> Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
> that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
> descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
> absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

> Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry"
> she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
> even
> know your name."

> "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

:smt005 :smt005 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Jul 01, 2013 9:43 am

lol

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:32 pm

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better !!!


:smt005 :smt005 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:14 pm

Heh heh, good one. :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Jul 10, 2013 5:50 pm

my joke for the day....is a bit shorter...

Thank God I am an atheist .....

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Jul 10, 2013 7:02 pm

A blind man walks into a women only bar and orders a beer.
He drinks his beer and asks "Do you want to hear a blondes joke?".
The lady bartender says "I am blond and have a blackbelt for karate, the other 4 women here are blond too while one is a weightlifter, second one is a wrestler, third one is judoka and fourth one is a bouncer. Are you sure you want to tell a blondes joke?".
The blind guy pauses for a moment and then says "Not if I have to explain it 5 times"......

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:25 pm

Image


:mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:29 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'









'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jul 27, 2013 12:42 am

Image


:smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Aug 05, 2013 4:27 am

Applying For A Postal Job .........


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”


:smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:52 am

TCB-FAN wrote:Applying For A Postal Job .........


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”


:smt003 :smt003


HEY!!!

I work for the post office!

How did you know that is what goes on every morning? :)

I thought we kept that a better secret!!

::rocks

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Aug 06, 2013 10:19 am

Recently I met an old friend I had not seen for ages.
Although we are the same age, he looked much younger than me.
I asked his secret and he replied "Sex almost every day".
After which he mentioned:
"Monday: almost,
Tuesday: almost,
Wednesday: almost,
Thursday: almost,
et cetera"

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Aug 18, 2013 6:26 pm

The Sheriff's Office......


At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings...
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no sign of any marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yup sure did!'
'Did they chop all-a ya'all firewood?'
'Yup!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'



:smt005 :smt005

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Aug 23, 2013 1:09 am

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled butt... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Brian :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Aug 24, 2013 8:33 am

Image


:smt005

Re: Joke Of The Day

Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:55 pm

A Lesson About Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government. So for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad....

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that he had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if they were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is f**king the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of sh*t !!''


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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Sep 01, 2013 3:42 am

Living Life Backwards

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila ! You finish off as an orgasm !!!!!


:smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:51 am

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Sep 08, 2013 2:43 am

WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER
WRITE AN ADVICE COLUMN
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Larry,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years!

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Larry

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Sep 10, 2013 4:11 am

Crime Does Pay....If You're Smart Enough



During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here ??


:lol: :smt003 :smt005

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:57 am

To all the Canucks out there........

Image

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:22 am

@TheTommyCooper:

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Oct 12, 2013 5:12 pm

> God went to the Arabs and said,
> 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
>
> The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
> And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
>
> 'Can you give us an example?'
>
> 'Thou shall not kill.'
>
> 'Not kill? We're not interested..'
>
> So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
> 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
>
> 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
> We're not interested.'
>
> Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
> 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not
> steal.'
>
> 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
>
> Then He went to the French and said,
> 'I have Commandments.'
>
> The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not
> commit adultery.'
>
> 'Sacra bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
>
> Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
> 'I have Commandments..'
>
> 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
>
> 'They're free.'
>
> 'We'll take 10.'
>
> There. That, should upset just about everybody !!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:06 am

If you like having sex while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :smt023 :smt023

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Oct 19, 2013 12:13 am

Code Word For Sex


A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

:smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005