Chat talk and light discussion

Re: Jokes

Mon Jan 30, 2012 9:02 am

I got invited to a party and was told ‘Dress to Kill’. Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

The Latest brand of Viagra is called ‘007’. It makes you Roger More.

I was feeling a bit down today so I threw a bucket of bleach all over my Pakistani colleague. That brightened Mahmood.

I can’t stand people who think they’re worse off than anybody else. My mate Alan is brilliant, He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he f*ck.

A Chinese woman fulfills a lifelong dream and meets her idol Cliff Richard. She shakes his hand and says ‘I wuv your song ‘Itchy Sore Fanny’” Cliff says “But I don’t sing a song called ‘Itchy Sore Fanny’” The Chinese woman replies “But Cwiff, yes you do, let me sing it for you. ‘Itchy Sore Fanny, how we don’t talk anymore’”

I was sitting watching TV eating curry for my dinner and there was an Oxfam advert with a dying malnourished child with flies on his face. I had knots in my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. It was at that moment I thought to myself ‘F*ck me this curry’s hot’.

Re: Jokes

Mon Feb 06, 2012 1:06 am

Jokes not for the PC!


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,,,,,,so I did,,,,,she's 21 and her name is Lucy.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night the locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My Budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunatly, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen ungrateful bleeders, All I said was "hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!"

Women should be like a golf caddie, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's nainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

Re: Jokes

Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:57 am

I found it difficult to come to terms with the death of my wife ............... but the assassin and I eventually agreed on a fee!

Re: Jokes

Fri Feb 10, 2012 6:39 pm

From Tim Vine - the funniest joke of the year :

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes !

Re: Jokes

Sat Feb 25, 2012 6:24 am

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f******gdifference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!'
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LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
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LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mummyplanned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f******gbeautiful!''
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LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f******g business.

Re: Jokes

Sat Feb 25, 2012 7:52 am

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

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Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

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You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"

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The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

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I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

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Got a phone call today to do a gig at a firestation. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

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A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

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It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

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I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

Re: Jokes

Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:16 am

A kid comes home late from school. His Dad says “It’s 7 o’clock, where have you been?” “With Jessica” his son replies. “What were you doing?” “Revising”.

His son then takes a snack off the dining table. “These fishcakes are lovely” he says. His Dad replies “Go and wash your hands they’re doughnuts”.

Re: Jokes

Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:50 am

A young bloke picks up an older woman in a club one night. She’s 58 but looks great for her age. On the way to her house he’s thinking ‘I bet her daughter’s fit.’ The woman says to him “Do you fancy a Sportsman’s Double?” “What’s a Sportsman’s Double?” He asks. “It’s a Mother and Daughter threesome.” “WOW definitely” He says. When they get to her house she opens the door, turns the light on and shouts “Put your teeth in Mum He’s up for it!”

Paddy says to Mick “What’s your ringtone?” Mick says “I haven’t looked but probably light brown.”

Re: Jokes

Sun Apr 29, 2012 6:52 am

A couple are lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.
She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He said "Found the remote, back to sleep fatty"

Re: Jokes

Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:11 am

:smt003 :smt003 :smt003

Very nice Delboy!!

::rocks

Re: Jokes

Mon May 28, 2012 4:15 pm

A DENTIST WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
....
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Re: Jokes

Mon May 28, 2012 10:22 pm

Delboy wrote:A DENTIST WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR
....
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."




I think its time for me to visit a dentist again! :lol:

Re: Jokes

Tue May 29, 2012 1:38 pm

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun, a bucket of manure, and a cat.

He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The Indian then kills the shot, picks up his gun, and shoots the bucket of manure, and then takes a bite out of the cat, then says "giveum whiskey", once again he kills the shot, shoots the bucket of manure, and takes another bite out of the cat.

Puzzled the bartender says "What are you doing!?!"
The Indian says "Me beum white man! Me drinkum booze, me shootum sh*t, me eatum pussy!"

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:19 pm

A sexy bird looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, " Is that Carlsberg or Fosters"?
I said, " There's a fcukin tap underneath, taste it".
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try"
After about 30 secs of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on" she demanded, "What day was I born"?
I said, "fcukin yesterday".
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said to her "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".
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"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
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Got caught having a p1ss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:23 pm

Great stuff Delboy

Re: Jokes

Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:23 pm

Great ones Chris R

Re: Jokes

Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:19 pm

‎"Pass me a newspaper," I said to my girlfriend. "Get with the times, just use my iPad," she replied. That fly never knew what hit it.

Re: Jokes

Tue Jul 10, 2012 7:12 pm

Delboy wrote:‎"Pass me a newspaper," I said to my girlfriend. "Get with the times, just use my iPad," she replied. That fly never knew what hit it.

LOL

Re: Jokes

Thu Jul 19, 2012 8:56 pm

The Olympics opening ceremony will involve 48 cows, 36 sheep, 22 horses, 18 pigs, 8 goats, 6 dogs and 4 cats. In Beijing that was just the buffet.

Re: Jokes

Thu Jul 19, 2012 9:02 pm

I woke this morning to a message left by my wife on the refrigerator. "it's not working. I'm leaving. I'm going to my Mum's."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and there were 12 ice cold beers inside ... I don't know what the problem is. :roll:

Re: Jokes

Fri Jul 20, 2012 9:19 am

Delboy wrote:‎"Pass me a newspaper," I said to my girlfriend. "Get with the times, just use my iPad," she replied. That fly never knew what hit it.


The best tech joke ever, but it's visual:

phpBB [video]



rjm

Re: Jokes

Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:42 am

I was at a bit of a loose end earlier in the week so picked up the phone looking for spiritual guidance. I was gobsmacked when a goat with a long neck turned up at the door. I'd mistakenly called "Dial A LLama."

Re: Jokes

Wed Aug 08, 2012 8:57 pm

Just finished Susan Boyle's autobiography. 'Fifty Shaves A Day'

Re: Jokes

Tue Oct 02, 2012 11:59 pm

My wife and I have finally decided to call it quits. Our friends think it's an odd name for a child but we think it's cute.

I really should report the missus' bondage fetish to the authorities but my hands are tied.

My wife threw my belongings into a suitcase and screamed at me as I walked out of the door: "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!" I said "oh, so you want me to stay now?"

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:29 pm

A Father bought a lie-detecting robot that slaps you if you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?" he asked.

"I was at the library," the son replied.

The robot slapped the son.

"Okay, I was at a friend's house," the son admitted.

"Doing what?" the father asked.

"Watching a movie," the son replied. "Toy Story".

The robot slapped the son.

"Okay, it was porn!" cried the son.

"That's disgusting," the father yelled. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slapped the father.

The mother laughed and said, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slapped the mother.