Chat talk and light discussion

Re: Jokes

Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:19 pm

That joke must of been written by a woman! :lol:


::rocks :smt006

Re: Jokes

Mon Oct 03, 2011 9:08 am

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Re: Jokes

Mon Oct 03, 2011 10:19 am

Soooooooooo funny cheers delboy.

Re: Jokes

Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:55 am

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

--------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

---------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Re: Jokes

Thu Oct 27, 2011 8:22 am

So funny cheers delboy.

Re: Jokes

Fri Oct 28, 2011 2:55 am

Nice Delboy. :)

Re: Jokes

Fri Oct 28, 2011 6:21 pm

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." "What trick?" she asked? "the one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan. Yank says "You from round here, Buddy?" "No," he replies, "Newcastle" "What state's that in?" asks the Yank. " Pretty much the same as this place!

I bought the wife a Memoury stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it...about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 29, 2011 5:44 pm

:lol:

Thanks Chris!


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 29, 2011 9:27 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: cheers chris !

Re: Jokes

Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:47 pm

The six circles of hangover hell....

----------------------------------------------

1st Circle: The Ducked Bullet

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you with a week’s worth of misplaced energy. During lunch you torture your less fortunate coworkers, bragging about how you can pound booze all night, drink warm gin out of a dirty ashtray for breakfast, and still show up fifteen minutes early for work. You crave a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.

2nd Circle: The Thirsty Mongoloid

No real pain, but something is definitely amiss. You look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. You are definitely dehydrated and after drinking two Gatorades you still feel that way. You feel kinda dumb and you notice the temporary lowering of your IQ has made you more sociable and less concerned with workaday worries. You crave a fruity pancake from IHOP.

3rd Circle: The Headwound That Won’t Heal

Slight headache. Stomach is upset. You are definitely not the paradigm of a productive worker. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the warm gin shots you did at your friend’s apartment after the bouncer ejected you at 1:45 a.m. Memories of bad behavior seep in and you cringe with shame. Life would be much, much better if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a diet coke and you haven't peed once.

4th Circle: The Hunchback of Cheap Champagne

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you’ll punctuate your sentences with vomit. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and reeking of booze. The clothes you put on won’t win you any fashion awards and your face looks like a golf green mowed by a blind junkie (ladies, it looks like you applied your make-up with a shotgun). Your eyes are red enough to give your features a lizardish cast and your hair makes your coworkers ask if you’re starting up a new wave band. You vaguely remember doing some really dumb and embarrassing things last night and you don’t care. You would murder your favorite bartender for a foot-long Bratwurst smothered with dijon and fried onions.

5th Circle: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dream Date

You don’t feel human, you don’t even feel like a mammal. Your long morning shower didn’t take, no amount of soap could penetrate the coat of sleaze. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employees sitting near you. You’re getting drunk from the vodka vapors seeping from every pore. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from the futile attempt to remove the taste of decaying rat. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, your tongue flops in your mouth like a nightmare-plagued wino thrashing around in his cardboard hooch. You'd cry like a baby but that would steal the last few drops of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty awesome right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still passed out in your bed.

6th Circle: The Infinite Nutsmacker

You wake up on your bathroom floor, your arms death-locked around your porcelain lover. You would vomit but you quite apparently took care of that last night, with none too good of an aim. You turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights—some sadist handed you a pack of Pall Mall nonfilters and you chain-smoked them like it was your full-time job, telling anyone who would listen that smoking filtered cigarettes is like drinking whiskey through a bar rag. You look in the mirror and find the Ready to Rock stamp has migrated from your right hand to your forehead with the help of Jager magic. You try to rehydrate but all you can stand is one cupped handful of brackish tap water. You crawl into the shower and the coldest water fails to revive your nerve endings as you mumble solemn oaths of never, ever letting a single drop of evil alcohol inside your body again. Ever .

If you could remember your behavior last night you would never step outside your apartment again, but the last thing you recall is accepting your ninth shot offer with the exhortation, “**** yes! Let’s get this party started!” Everything after that is a black vacuum populated with shifting, vaguely-menacing shapes.
Instead of yelling at you for being late, your boss solemnly invites you into his office to ask you if a parent or sibling passed away. Your super-sensitive ears pick up low talk among your coworkers about “interventions” and “rehab.” The cute girl from accounting you’ve been flirting with for three months looks at you like you’re a leprous hunchback who has come for her organs. You cannot bear to eat, the granola bar from the snack machine sticks in your craw like petrified log jammed in a woodchipper. You curse yourself for not calling in sick because all you can manage to do is sit in your chair and breathe . . . very gently.

Jokes

Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:58 pm

Lol

Re: Jokes

Sat Nov 12, 2011 1:47 pm

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren,$150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5,$200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I love the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen." "What's your name" she said.

He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife bent over pulling the weeds, the husband says "Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is as big as the gas grill.

The husband picks up a yardstick, to prove is point. First he measures the grill, then he measures his wife's butt. "Yeah," .he says, "just about the same size."

That evening they went to bed. The husband cuddled up to his wife saying, "How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife turn over, back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She answered, sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Re: Jokes

Sun Nov 13, 2011 2:49 am

Delboy wrote:
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."


Wow, I am a Mailman and I have almost 31 years in and have another 4 + years to go to make 35 before I can retire at the age of 55. Maybe there is hope for me to have a very memorable last day on the route! :lol:

::rocks

Re: Jokes

Sun Nov 13, 2011 7:39 am

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Re: Jokes

Tue Nov 15, 2011 11:27 pm

A few more jokes that are not PC!

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk', In Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester & Luton; because the giant couldn't smell the blood of any Englishmen!

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke. All I said was "golly you're tall".

Just Fostered a Muslim. All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today; she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Re: Jokes

Wed Nov 16, 2011 4:32 am

Brilliant Chris. :smt005

Re: Jokes

Wed Nov 16, 2011 2:29 pm

So funny chris cheers :lol:

Re: Jokes

Wed Nov 16, 2011 10:48 pm

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on a train opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get a erection, please don't ge a erection... but she did.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen" Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years".

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I'm on a roll - more to follow!

Re: Jokes

Fri Nov 18, 2011 10:18 pm

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "What do you expect? you're in a wheel chair".

I was explaning to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said "You're obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you". She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

Re: Jokes

Sat Nov 19, 2011 4:38 am

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
wasin charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain : I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood : I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach : I should be in charge because I process food for the
brain.
Legs : I should be in charge because I take the brain
where it wants to go.
Eyes : I should be in charge because I let
the brain see whereit's going.
friend : I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard
and this made the friend very mad.
To prove his point, the friend immediately slammed tightly closed
and stayed that way for 6 days,
refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred.
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body.
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the friend be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN friend THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

Re: Jokes

Wed Nov 23, 2011 2:37 pm

There's something to offend everyone here but if I've missed anyone out I'll get them next time...... :wink:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.

• Paddy got arrested in B&Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

• Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

• Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". His wife asked, "What is that?" Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions.First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, .... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

• My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

• I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination." I said, "I haven't got an erection!" She replied, "No, but I have!"

• Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!

• A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up. I should've got off four stops ago!"

• French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

• The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

• I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!

• Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

Re: Jokes

Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:15 pm

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

"That's us in 10 years".

He look at me and said, "That's us now, dip sh*t. You're looking in a mirror!"


::rocks

Re: Jokes

Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:37 am

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'. I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

Re: Jokes

Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:54 pm

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, 'cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday".

Paddy says to Mick, "Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different.
T'ree tears ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
Two years ago Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year Oi went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "Oi'll take her wit' me!"


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him, "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy say, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi've just feckin' wet mine."

Re: Jokes

Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:07 pm

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his Dad that he has a part in the school play and he was playing a man who has been married for 25 years. The dad says "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part".

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on the mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African villige for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.