Chat talk and light discussion
Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:43 pm
Three blondes were all applying for the last available female position on the California Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile shot of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers inside the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:03 am
Fri Apr 24, 2009 1:46 pm
Hee hee,good one Monique!
..............Know why blonds have MORE fun?
They are easier to find in the dark. ...rimshot!
Thu Aug 13, 2009 3:16 pm
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.
Thu Aug 13, 2009 3:54 pm
Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:43 am
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a
fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't
know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'
and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple
are still waiting.
As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't
work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It just took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a
Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:46 pm
So am I.
Mon Aug 24, 2009 3:57 pm
So am I.
You are? That's cool!
Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:45 pm
Little Darlin wrote: Monique wrote:
So am I.
You are? That's cool!
Due to problems with my kids and my own health I haven't been able to practice since almost 2 years. Maybe in a few months or a few years I'll pick up practicing again. Who knows?
Fri Sep 04, 2009 1:46 pm
Btw...here's another little joke:
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no
stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well,
only two left!'
Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:23 pm
Before you criticize someone, "Walk a Mile in His Shoes." That way you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.
Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:24 am
A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady, "said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:14 am
Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:27 pm
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'