Chat talk and light discussion

That sinking feeling...

Thu May 04, 2006 8:17 pm

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms, the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three f*cking years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some b*stard puts a swimming cap on me"

Thu May 18, 2006 1:44 pm

:lol: :lol:

Thu May 18, 2006 2:05 pm

He should have quit while he was ahead!!!

I thought it was cramp that got him!!!


:shock:

Fri May 26, 2006 7:24 am

Only rarely does a joke of this calibre come along!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a
pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and
eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and
the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit
the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as
the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into
applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says,
"A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and
accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit,
old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when
the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice
Cheese and
Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I
will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The
barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one
of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll
have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with
glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves
to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is
cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above
the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the
ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman
says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night
and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see
you and
this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I
remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties,
you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised
me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what
happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause the rabbit said...


"Mixin'-me-toasties".


:oops:

Fri May 26, 2006 7:26 am

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am

ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green,
green' and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at Telstra, perhaps you have spoken to him.

Sat May 27, 2006 3:40 am

George Bush was attending a small classroom of young students.

The illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a


farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy".

" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a


great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet


voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck
by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident


either".

Sun May 28, 2006 4:39 am

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and
this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About a half mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."............



With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you **** off?
I'm trying to take a sh*t"


:lol: