Off Topic Messages

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat May 31, 2014 11:08 am

Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat May 31, 2014 3:32 pm

Mountain Misst wrote:Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 smt192 smt192 smt192 smt174 smt174 smt174

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:55 am

[/quote]


:smt003 :smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 smt192 smt192 smt192 smt174 smt174 smt174[/quote]



I'm terrible, I really like slack jokes, lol :smt003 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:41 pm

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, **** stop it then!" :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:48 pm

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book..

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:16 pm

What do you call a singing biscuit?

»
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»»»»»
»»»»»» Lionel Rich Tea!

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:15 am

How do you get a fat girl into bed?


Piece of cake.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 9:47 pm

Great

sent from Lincolnshire,UK,by carrier pigeon

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 9:50 pm

A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:59 am

A beggar said to me, "I haven't eaten in three days".


I said, "force yourself".

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Jan 13, 2015 3:15 pm

A man walked into a bar and said"OUCH"


It was an iron bar

sent from Lincolnshire,UK,by carrier pigeon

Re: Joke Of The Day

Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:46 am

Elvis is no friend of mine.

I ain't never caught a rabbit.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:36 am

I'm dating a homeless girl.

I can drop her anywhere.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:02 pm

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Dallas Cowboys fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Cowboys fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?' Because I'm not a Cowboys fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Cowboys fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Giants fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Giants fan?' "Because my mom is a Giants fan, and my dad is Giants fan, so I'm a Giants fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Giants fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?' "Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Cowboys fan.'

:smt002 :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:04 pm

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?:
A. Two mothers-in-law. :shock: :smt005

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:51 am

Never leave Alphabet soup unattended.

It could spell disaster.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Feb 01, 2015 4:00 am

Two odd looking guys are sitting in a small cafe when a third guy decides to join them They all get into a heated conversation about their physical attributes. One says: I've got the smallest arm in the world! Another says: I've got the smallest head in the world! The last one says: I've got the smallest penis in the world! The 3 guys decide to go to Guinness World Records office. The first one goes in and returns happy: I've really got the smallest arm in the world! The second returns happy too: I've really, got the smallest head of the world! The last one returns angry and screams: WHO THE F... IS? Lady Gaga? :shock: :D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Feb 01, 2015 5:26 am

What happens if you play country music backwards? You sober up, your wife comes home, and your dog comes back to life.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Feb 01, 2015 5:38 pm

UK Suicide Bombers go on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be
cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his HQ a shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up�.
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not impact on their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway!
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like so they are reconsidering the true value of their benefit packages.