Off Topic Messages

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat May 31, 2014 11:08 am

Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat May 31, 2014 3:32 pm

Mountain Misst wrote:Did I read that sign right?

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"


In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003



:smt003 :smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 smt192 smt192 smt192 smt174 smt174 smt174

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:55 am

[/quote]


:smt003 :smt003 :smt003 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 smt192 smt192 smt192 smt174 smt174 smt174[/quote]



I'm terrible, I really like slack jokes, lol :smt003 :smt003 :smt003

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:41 pm

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, **** stop it then!" :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:48 pm

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book..

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sat Jan 10, 2015 9:16 pm

What do you call a singing biscuit?

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»»»»»» Lionel Rich Tea!

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:15 am

How do you get a fat girl into bed?


Piece of cake.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 9:47 pm

Great

sent from Lincolnshire,UK,by carrier pigeon

Re: Joke Of The Day

Sun Jan 11, 2015 9:50 pm

A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke Of The Day

Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:59 am

A beggar said to me, "I haven't eaten in three days".


I said, "force yourself".

Re: Joke Of The Day

Tue Jan 13, 2015 3:15 pm

A man walked into a bar and said"OUCH"


It was an iron bar

sent from Lincolnshire,UK,by carrier pigeon

Re: Joke Of The Day

Thu Jan 15, 2015 1:46 am

Elvis is no friend of mine.

I ain't never caught a rabbit.

Re: Joke Of The Day

Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:36 am

I'm dating a homeless girl.

I can drop her anywhere.