Off Topic Messages

Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 7:53 pm

Arguably, I have never felt worse or more lost than now.

I just received word that a friend of a friend -- actually, a partner of a *very* close online friend -- has committed suicide this very day.

My friend herself is quit the vulnerable type and has no-one in her vicinity (she lives in the Philippines) to cling to; no friends or family she trusts.

I am terribly worried for her own psychological well-being and personal safety.

It sounds selfish, but my own world just gone torn upside down. Any advice is welcome and desperately sought for.

Words can't do my feelings justice. I'm in bits and really need some guidance. I have no idea what to do next. I'm scared, angry, and confused, but I just want to help my friend.

Thanks in advance.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 8:00 pm

Cryogenic wrote:Arguably, I have never felt worse or more lost than now.

I just received word that a friend of a friend -- actually, a partner of a *very* close online friend -- has committed suicide this very day.

My friend herself is quit the vulnerable type and has no-one in her vicinity (she lives in the Philippines) to cling to; no friends or family she trusts.

I am terribly worried for her own psychological well-being and personal safety.

It sounds selfish, but my own world just gone torn upside down. Any advice is welcome and desperately sought for.

Words can't do my feelings justice. I'm in bits and really need some guidance. I have no idea what to do next. I'm scared, angry, and confused, but I just want to help my friend.

Thanks in advance.


I lost a long-time friend on March 19 when he took his own life. I was devastated. We had been out of touch for the previous year, but I just thought he was busy with his life as a model photographer and competitive body-builder. How I wish we had spoken, and often. I feel I could have made a difference. He was smart, kind and very generous. And he is deeply missed by all.

What you need to do is talk to your friend who lives in the Philippines, tell them you care, and that you are there. And use whatever means possible, phone, email, Skype, Facebook, whatever. And keep it up until there has been enough time for everyone to breathe, and understand how precious life really is.

John

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 9:42 pm

I agree with all that John suggested: love is the answer.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 10:01 pm

Yes i also think the same as John...
show them that you are there to suppot, listen, talk and comfort....

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 10:22 pm

Keep talking to her. Sounds simple, but it's not.

20 years ago, I was in a situation where my best friend, who was, at the time, across the country, suffered a breakdown when her husband had a heart attack. She tried twice that summer to kill herself. She survived, but never came out of the depression.

I totally blamed myself, and it wasn't my fault but I did anyway. I worried that if I had called every single day - several times a day, or even flew back East, it would not have happened. When you're feeling helpless, it helps in some way to think you could have had control.

In the 20 years since, I have stayed in contact, especially in crisis times. I know it puts my mind at ease. And I feel it helps. Her husband has since died, and she survived it. I didn't "keep her alive," but I made sure I had no regrets.

Whether it was more for my peace of mind, or her survival, is never something I can know. Doesn't matter. And it is not "selfish"! Quite the opposite.

I always know she'd do the same for me. She has, at times.

So, for your friend, at this terrible time, and to help you handle your own sense of helplessness, just keep in contact. You can only do the best you can. First of all, she needs you. Needs to feel less alone in the world. And you need to know you are doing all you can.

You can't change the reality. But you can do your best by her right now.

I hope my experience helped you some.

Best,
Robin



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Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 10:38 pm

Thank you for your kind thoughts -- especially drjohncarpenter and rjm for your personal stories. From one John to another, I also salute DJC.

This situation is just so unbearably sad and bewildering.

My first impulse, near enough, was to immediately contact her. The situation I'm facing, however, is a shroud. We communicate almost entirely by Facebook (messaging system, wall posts), and sometimes, e-mail. A couple of times about two years ago, not long after we started chatting on Facebook, we called each other. However, we both have since changed numbers, and tragically, I'm not even sure what hers currently is. I'll double check my phone records after this (I'm such a klutz -- not thinking straight; may have entered it in there, for all the little I actually use my phone). I should just clarify... I HAVE contacted her by these means (Facebook and e-mail)... and I will try again... but I'm forced into a horrible waiting game. I hate not knowing more than anything: a feeling of total and utter powerlessness.

I am in deep anguish because I fear she is now experiencing an enveloping tidal wave of denial, and once that crests, she'll sink into a deep depression and may follow her partner in suicide. I hope and pray I can reach her -- or that she will reach back -- before then and a difference can be made. Right now, I am feeling very bleak. I must continue to "walk on through the wind and the rain"... with hope in my heart. This is privately -- and publicly -- devastating to me. I even went to work today (I just started a new job, crummy as it is), when I think my friend was still reachable and really needed me. These stupid decisions we make; never to know the alternative, but always regretting soon after.

I wish I stridently and fervently believed in a god -- I don't; but I'm reassessing my values -- because I might otherwise be praying on my knees right now. Whatever happens, I will remain strong. Or as strong as strong can be.

Again, my thanks.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 11:23 pm

It sounds harsh but you must try to distance your emotions from the situation. Try to approach it clinically so your friend can be sure your advice comes from your head not your heart... she needs guidance and understanding, not pity. That way also, if the worst does happen, you can at least be sure you tried your best and so will be able to move-on yourself without being weighted by guilt and what if's! Be methodical, imagine scenarios and formulate a plan-of-action. Hope and love should lift even the lowest mood but please remember that ultimately in life there are occasions where we are powerless in the face of overwhelming events. Best of luck!

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Thu May 23, 2013 11:35 pm

Cryogenic wrote:Thank you for your kind thoughts -- especially drjohncarpenter and rjm for your personal stories. From one John to another, I also salute DJC.

This situation is just so unbearably sad and bewildering.

My first impulse, near enough, was to immediately contact her. The situation I'm facing, however, is a shroud. We communicate almost entirely by Facebook (messaging system, wall posts), and sometimes, e-mail. A couple of times about two years ago, not long after we started chatting on Facebook, we called each other. However, we both have since changed numbers, and tragically, I'm not even sure what hers currently is. I'll double check my phone records after this (I'm such a klutz -- not thinking straight; may have entered it in there, for all the little I actually use my phone). I should just clarify... I HAVE contacted her by these means (Facebook and e-mail)... and I will try again... but I'm forced into a horrible waiting game. I hate not knowing more than anything: a feeling of total and utter powerlessness.

I am in deep anguish because I fear she is now experiencing an enveloping tidal wave of denial, and once that crests, she'll sink into a deep depression and may follow her partner in suicide. I hope and pray I can reach her -- or that she will reach back -- before then and a difference can be made. Right now, I am feeling very bleak. I must continue to "walk on through the wind and the rain"... with hope in my heart. This is privately -- and publicly -- devastating to me. I even went to work today (I just started a new job, crummy as it is), when I think my friend was still reachable and really needed me. These stupid decisions we make; never to know the alternative, but always regretting soon after.

I wish I stridently and fervently believed in a god -- I don't; but I'm reassessing my values -- because I might otherwise be praying on my knees right now. Whatever happens, I will remain strong. Or as strong as strong can be.

Again, my thanks.


Cryo, talk to her, waiting might be the worst thing to do. Let her know that you are here for her.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Fri May 24, 2013 12:04 am

Thank you, jungleroombear. Thank you, Joe.

I have, indeed, let her know -- several times, with an effusion that only I can muster -- that I am here for her; and always will be.

And shortly, I will be off to bed. My head actually hurts from all the stress and the crying.

Thanks, again.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Fri May 24, 2013 12:42 am

Sending positive thoughts your way. I can't add to the already great advice you've been given by the other members. You're a very thoughtful and intelligent member here and I wish your friend and you the very best. As already mentioned, life is very precious. Take care.

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Fri May 24, 2013 12:46 am

Hi Cryogenic Sorry hear all the terrible things going on. Have your friend try this. It's open 24 hours and may be of great help.

Image

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_S ... n_Lifeline

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Fri May 24, 2013 11:37 am

Hope it all goes well Cryo and that she gets in touch

Re: Terrible news -- I *really*, *really* need your help...

Sat May 25, 2013 5:44 am

I am so sorry to hear your tragic news, Cyro. I echo the advice from DOC and others to reach out quickly to your friend in the Phillipines. This is one of those situations where reaching out quickly can be very helpful.
My prayers and best wishes go out for you and all who knew and loved your friend as you begin the journey toward healing.

rlj