Off Topic Messages

Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:04 am

First, just a little background:

I'm thirty-five years old and have lived with my parents my whole life because of my medical condition (Cerebral Palsy/Hydrocephalus - "water on the brain") and I was born weighing two pounds and nine ounces at birth and was told I'd never ever survive and even if I did, that I would have to be institutionalized and that I wouldn't know anybody or anything or be able to do anything at all - but, God had other plans and here I am thirty-five years later doing (mostly) what other normal people do (except drive because I'm legally blind in my left eye) and I'm very musically gifted.

The problem lies in having an overprotective parent. She watches every single step I make - literally - and she's ruined just about every relationship I've been in (the one I'm in now is on rocky ground - we were supposed to get married this past May but that didn't happen because she got scared and called it off because she didn't feel like it was right at the time).

I'm literally sick and tired of living in this prison that's called "home" - hell, it's not even "home" to me anymore. I want to be with the lady I love (the one in my avatar) and not because of wanting to get out of the damn house but because I love her and want to be with her.

I've wanted to talk to my Mom about moving out on my own and getting the hell away from her because of her eagle eye she seems to keep on me but....I don't make enough money to pay rent or buy food....etc., etc. because SHE keeps all the money that I'm ALREADY supposed to be getting (my SS check was supposed to have been turned over to me when I turned 18 but that didn't happen).

My girlfriend thinks that I just want out of the house just becase I want to be with her. In the very beginning, that was true but....it's been eighteen months that we've been seeing each other and I told her very forcefully last night when she brought me home from visiting her and watching a movie that it's not about me wanting out of there just to be with her anymore....I want to be with her because I love her and want to marry her...and I don't know how much longer I can stand being here at home and not with the lady I love with all my heart.

I've laid in bed alot of nights recently and cried myself to sleep because of all this...I just don't know what to do anymore....

Any advice would be welcome....but I want SERIOUS advice....

Thank You/Sincerely,
Tony Trout

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 4:36 am

Tony I don't know you really so I hope you don't mind me answering?

This bit

I've wanted to talk to my Mom about moving out on my own and getting the hell away from her because of her eagle eye she seems to keep on me but....I don't make enough money to pay rent or buy food....etc., etc. because SHE keeps all the money that I'm ALREADY supposed to be getting (my SS check was supposed to have been turned over to me when I turned 18 but that didn't happen).


Is the bit that needs addressing first, surely? I don't know how these things work, but once you hit 18 your SS check should go to you, not to your mum. Now I can understand her getting some of it for your keep, but it should be you who is handling it, by now. I can totally understand the over-protective mum bit, but it sounds like in your case it's gone beyond normal motherly worry and has gone into the realms of control.

Is your mother aware of your plans to move out if possible, and does she approve of your girlfriend (not that it matters, but it might influence her feelings further on the subject of your moving out when you approach it with her)? Would your leaving home, at last, mean that your mother would be alone? Are you an only child?
Mothers can be funny with their kids, trying to hang on too long. Ok you had some problems, so it probably made your mum uber-protective, but you're 35 now and she should be getting over it already.

If you had access to your own check could you feasibly keep yourself on it, away from your mother's home I mean? And would your moving out also place your mother in financial difficulty? Might that be part of her problem?

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:17 am

Adding to JaneTLC's post, beyond legal issues, you should enlist the help of your girlfriend to talk together with your mom about what is happening now, and what you want your future to be.

If your mom has always been there for you, you do owe her a bit of slack. When you love your baby, and that baby has endured some physical hardships, it is very hard to accept a time when that baby must be on its own. You need to assure your mom that she is not being abandoned, and will remain a part of your life.

Use your faith, your love and your intelligence -- they will get you through.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 6:05 am

Sage advice given above, Tony.

If you're capable of living on your own, emotionally and physically, that would
be the first step. See if you can take your SS cheques, plus whatever else
you earn, and would that allow you to rent your own place?

I believe it would help your self esteem if you could prove to yourself that
you can make it on your own. Then, and only then, you could enjoy a relationship on an even footing with your girlfriend.
It would give both of you time to regroup and approach your relationship fresh,
with less emotional baggage.

Going from your mothers' house, straight to your girlfriends' home at the age
of 35 may not be wise. Your girlfriend may view it as going from one caregiver to another.

This is just advice from strangers.
Read all of it, but only act on what you feel you can live with.
In your heart, you'll know if your decisions are the right ones, then take the
courage to take action.
I hope better days are ahead ... you have friends here.
If your comfortable with it, please let us know how this unfolds.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:56 am

Tony,i hope you work things out with your mother and can get what you want out of your life ,take care

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:36 am

Hi Tony

I'm breaking my decision to not post on FECC because I was very touched by your message. I have done some work with people with a disability and maybe some thoughts and obsevations can assist you in your situation.

1. Many carers get into a situation mentally and emotionally where the person they are caring for becomes the centre of their universe. They only ever see the child, not the developing adult or even the capable adult that you seem to have become. The problem is that their identity becomes that of 'carer', what can they do if this is taken away from them? So it is in their best interests, for their own identity, to keep you in the 'category' that they placed you in a long time ago. So I think that your mother may have settled into this mindset. I don't know your mother and so I make no judgements, sometimes this behaviour can be just 'overprotective' and the person can modify with education and also the realisation that they did a good job and can now live their own life. At the other end, they hang on with a vise grip, I was involved in one case that was very creepy where the person was totally controlled by very rigid and strange parents.

2. As an adult, and you clearly are a capable adult, you need to take charge of your life. It's very hard to stand up to our parents, especially if they are strong people. However, you need to do this. You need to do it in an assertive and calm manner: "Mum, I have made some decisions about my life. I want to...(list here). For this I need to have my SS cheque. Thank you for what you have done for me, but it is time to move along now and I want you with me on the next steps of my life." I can garuntee that your Mum will go into shock, become angry; let it pass, do not escalate. Defuse by allowing her to say what she needs and give her the respect of her opinion. Do not back down from the decisions you have made.

3. Do you have a person, other than your girlfriend who can help you when you talk to your Mum? A close friend, relative, someone who supports you? I wouldn't take your girlfriend because your Mum will attack her. The focus will be 'if I get rid of her, it will be ok again.' It will also frighten your girlfriend. Get support, maybe from a professional counsellor. There are many wonderful people all over the world who can assist. You are feeling on your own, but you are not.

4. Perhaps think about moving into a situation where you will be on your own or in a share situation. I know money is a problem, but that may ease your girlfriend's fears. It also means that you will become a little more independent. A counsellor may be able to assist here too. In Australia there are many services for people, I don't know about where you live, so maybe this suggestion is not possible. I really believe that going half-way rather than straight into a situation with your girlfriend will be a huge step for your personal growth and for your relationship.

I hope that some of this helps Tony. You will get what you want because you have made the decision in your heart. You are now going through the 'work' to get there. It will be hard, and maybe not as you expect it, but it will be worthwhile.
Last edited by Hasil on Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:53 am

Whatever happens, good luck Tony. I can tell you're a nice guy and I hope it works out for you.
I'm not one with big words of advice but my best wishes are with you.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:14 am

Just go mate. Go.

No questions. And you're mother will have to accept it, and will soon come round to it. You're a fully grown man and she needs to know that you are the one to make the decisions.

I want you to get married and show the world that you're in control.

Good luck my friend.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 11:26 am

Hi Tony,

It's a very difficult situation you are in. I am no person to judge but I would listen to Hasil's point 3. Try and find some family member, friend or professional advice if you can. You need to talk to someone face to face. My best wishes go to you.

Best of luck.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 2:02 pm

Hi Tony,

You've come this far. Don't let this throw you off. Keep communicating with your loved ones. I keep my fingers crossed that everything works out fine for you.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 2:51 pm

Thank you all for your replies. This is something that I've been thinking about for a very, very long time - about five years or more, actually - I just can't get up the nerve to tell my Mom that I want to leave.

One of the main reasons that the wedding was called off was because there were some very mean comments made towards my girlfriend by other family members who also seem to want to control what I do - and that nearly killed me when I found out.

I just want to be own my own (for now) until things work out to where my girlfriend and I can marry someday.

I actually did call the Social Security offices here in North Carolina (behind Mom's back) to find out what I would lose if I got married. I would still keep the big check (almost $700.00/month) but I would lose my SSI - but I don't get enough of that money (only about $150.00/month) to really need to worry.

I'll keep everyone posted and I thank you so very, very much for your replies and I thank you for caring. :)

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:24 pm

Tony, You have received a lot of great advice and I thought this might help...

Count your blessings, each and every little one. Focusing on the good things in your life…you certainly have a lot to be thankful for. This will help frame a better attitude and take your mind off of the negatives.

Realize that it's not about what happens to you, it's about how you react to what happens.

Always remember what Doc said, "Use your faith, your love and your intelligence -- they will get you through."

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:57 pm

JaneTLC wrote:Tony I don't know you really so I hope you don't mind me answering?

This bit

I've wanted to talk to my Mom about moving out on my own and getting the hell away from her because of her eagle eye she seems to keep on me but....I don't make enough money to pay rent or buy food....etc., etc. because SHE keeps all the money that I'm ALREADY supposed to be getting (my SS check was supposed to have been turned over to me when I turned 18 but that didn't happen).


Is the bit that needs addressing first, surely? I don't know how these things work, but once you hit 18 your SS check should go to you, not to your mum. Now I can understand her getting some of it for your keep, but it should be you who is handling it, by now. I can totally understand the over-protective mum bit, but it sounds like in your case it's gone beyond normal motherly worry and has gone into the realms of control.



My mother is very, very controlling and that's what it's turned into and she has a horrible temper when she's having a bad day (hell, even on days when they're not bad, just the slightest thing can set her off and I'm tired of being around it....and she's always so damn "negative" - she never (or rarely) looks at the positive side of things) and I'm just sick and tired of it.

Unfortunately, she's also diabetic and has a few other health problems. My stepdad, also, isn't in good health because of having COPD and Emphysema - unfortunately, he also used to be in the U.S. Marines and has that "Marine" attitude.

I love them both dearly but I still want out and want to be on my own. A buddy of mine who's a drummer has apartments that he rents for $350.00/month which include utilities and it's internet-ready. Like I mentioned in my initial post, I can do most everything anyone else can (the CP is mild) except drive because I'm legally blind in my left eye - but there are transportation services here that could help me get around.

JaneTLC wrote:Is your mother aware of your plans to move out if possible, and does she approve of your girlfriend (not that it matters, but it might influence her feelings further on the subject of your moving out when you approach it with her)? Would your leaving home, at last, mean that your mother would be alone? Are you an only child?


Yes, I'm an only child and I was born three months premature. I haven't told her yet of my plans to move out. I lost my real father at the age of three-years-old due to a heart attack....he was only thirty-eight.

As far as my girlfriend, Mom accepted my girlfriend the moment she met her - Mom was actually the person to ask me if I'd ever thought of asking her out (we both met in church and she's eighteen years older than me - I know that seems strange and makes it seem like I'm looking for another "mother" figure but....we truly do love each other even though she's been through a divorce and has three grown children from the previous marriage/divorce).


JaneTLC wrote:Mothers can be funny with their kids, trying to hang on too long. Ok you had some problems, so it probably made your mum uber-protective, but you're 35 now and she should be getting over it already.

If you had access to your own check could you feasibly keep yourself on it, away from your mother's home I mean? And would your moving out also place your mother in financial difficulty? Might that be part of her problem?


I don't see it placing her in financial difficulty because my Stepfather is also on Disability as well as she. If I kept the money in the bank when I received it each month and didn't touch it, I wouldn't have a problem BUT if I had easier access, that might present a problem because when I've got money in my hands, I immediately want to spend it. So...it would be safer in a bank.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:29 pm

Things can't be different when things just stay the same....

Sometimes the best reason to leave a situation is simply because it's time. Nothing lasts forever and only you can decide to turn things around to make life better for yourself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:35 pm

Is working an option for you?

If it was i would see about getting a job so you can make enough to afford a place.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 8:45 pm

brian wrote:Is working an option for you?

If it was i would see about getting a job so you can make enough to afford a place.


Brian,

Unfortunately, I can't work due to my disability - that is, I can't work a regular eight-hour a day job because of it. Believe me, if I could work, I would've already been out there beating down doors trying to find a job.

IMETJB wrote:Things can't be different when things just stay the same....

Sometimes the best reason to leave a situation is simply because it's time. Nothing lasts forever and only you can decide to turn things around to make life better for yourself.





Good luck and I hope things work out for you.



And I think the time has come for things to change. It's been coming for a long time - I just haven't had the courage until now to make that change.

Thanks for your kind words. :)

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Tue Jul 12, 2011 10:01 pm

Tony Trout wrote:
brian wrote:Is working an option for you?

If it was i would see about getting a job so you can make enough to afford a place.


Brian,

Unfortunately, I can't work due to my disability - that is, I can't work a regular eight-hour a day job because of it. Believe me, if I could work, I would've already been out there beating down doors trying to find a job.


Well, then the only option you have would be to get your checks from your mom and find a place that you can afford.

Best of luck.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 12:00 am

EPA4368 wrote:Realize that it's not about what happens to you, it's about how you react to what happens.


Damn....now I've learned something too! I'll keep this one in mind definately!!

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:39 am

Tony I wish you the best. I'll certainly say a prayer for you.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 6:00 am

Tony Trout wrote:My mother is very, very controlling and that's what it's turned into and she has a horrible temper when she's having a bad day (hell, even on days when they're not bad, just the slightest thing can set her off and I'm tired of being around it....and she's always so damn "negative" - she never (or rarely) looks at the positive side of things) and I'm just sick and tired of it.

Well, I can also empathise a bit with your mum, not knowing her age but knowing that a lot of us women get grittier as we get older (it's not necessarily anything to do with you), and also in view of her losing her husband so young. What you see as controlling might just be her way of caring. Smother love. On the other hand, she might react totally differently to how you might expect her to react when you say you're thinking of moving out: she might be pleased for you and that you feel ready to make the step.

As far as my girlfriend, Mom accepted my girlfriend the moment she met her - Mom was actually the person to ask me if I'd ever thought of asking her out (we both met in church and she's eighteen years older than me - I know that seems strange and makes it seem like I'm looking for another "mother" figure but....we truly do love each other even though she's been through a divorce and has three grown children from the previous marriage/divorce).

Not so strange. I have a younger husband myself; it happens. Although I do think you should be thinking more about your own independence first. It's a big step if you've never lived away from home before.

If I kept the money in the bank when I received it each month and didn't touch it, I wouldn't have a problem BUT if I had easier access, that might present a problem because when I've got money in my hands, I immediately want to spend it. So...it would be safer in a bank.

I think that's true for many people, Tony.
Cash is terrible for some people.
If you do move out though, you'd have the relative freedom but you'd also (clearly) have the extra responsibilty to keep your own financial situation in order across the board. You need to talk to the SS and see if the amount would alter with altered circumstances (ie you living alone).
I don't want to go into how you currently organise your spending, as its none of my business, but if your mom gets your check now, I am assuming she gives you part of your money already? On your own you'd have access to it all, and you'd have to make sure to make ends meet with all kinds of expenses all round, all the time. It's quite a big step, if you've not been used to fully organising your own finances and spending.

Not trying to put you off, but when you talk to your mum she's going to ask you things like, "Are you sure you can cope and make ends meet?". Mums do that, not out of control but out of concern. So it's a good idea to have answers ready. Have a plan.

Keep us posted.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 7:03 am

JaneTLC wrote:
Tony Trout wrote:My mother is very, very controlling and that's what it's turned into and she has a horrible temper when she's having a bad day (hell, even on days when they're not bad, just the slightest thing can set her off and I'm tired of being around it....and she's always so damn "negative" - she never (or rarely) looks at the positive side of things) and I'm just sick and tired of it.

Well, I can also empathise a bit with your mum, not knowing her age but knowing that a lot of us women get grittier as we get older (it's not necessarily anything to do with you), and also in view of her losing her husband so young. What you see as controlling might just be her way of caring. Smother love. On the other hand, she might react totally differently to how you might expect her to react when you say you're thinking of moving out: she might be pleased for you and that you feel ready to make the step.

As far as my girlfriend, Mom accepted my girlfriend the moment she met her - Mom was actually the person to ask me if I'd ever thought of asking her out (we both met in church and she's eighteen years older than me - I know that seems strange and makes it seem like I'm looking for another "mother" figure but....we truly do love each other even though she's been through a divorce and has three grown children from the previous marriage/divorce).

Not so strange. I have a younger husband myself; it happens. Although I do think you should be thinking more about your own independence first. It's a big step if you've never lived away from home before.

If I kept the money in the bank when I received it each month and didn't touch it, I wouldn't have a problem BUT if I had easier access, that might present a problem because when I've got money in my hands, I immediately want to spend it. So...it would be safer in a bank.

I think that's true for many people, Tony.
Cash is terrible for some people.
If you do move out though, you'd have the relative freedom but you'd also (clearly) have the extra responsibilty to keep your own financial situation in order across the board. You need to talk to the SS and see if the amount would alter with altered circumstances (ie you living alone).
I don't want to go into how you currently organise your spending, as its none of my business, but if your mom gets your check now, I am assuming she gives you part of your money already? On your own you'd have access to it all, and you'd have to make sure to make ends meet with all kinds of expenses all round, all the time. It's quite a big step, if you've not been used to fully organising your own finances and spending.

Not trying to put you off, but when you talk to your mum she's going to ask you things like, "Are you sure you can cope and make ends meet?". Mums do that, not out of control but out of concern. So it's a good idea to have answers ready. Have a plan.

Keep us posted.



I'll keep ya'll posted....I know it's a big decision....but I want out of here so bad.....

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 8:18 am

You've received a lot of great advice. Your mind will be working overtime trying to digest everything. Suggest going somewhere you can have some quiet time...a quiet place where you can take a break...time to clear your mind...then go over your plan.

Re: Wanting To Leave Home!!! :'( AARRGH!!

Wed Jul 13, 2011 12:23 pm

I totally know the feeling. I want to get out on my own too.

I've (luckily) been able to save up enough money. As soon as I can find place I'll be able to move.

Good luck with your decision!!