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25 Things that made the music dire!

Mon Apr 24, 2006 7:50 pm

In a poll of the worse things to affect popular music Colonel Parker came 5th. The consensus being that Parker’s arrival on the scene destroyed the industry’s greatest talent. He was the only manager to make the list.

25 THINGS THAT MADE THE MUSIC DIRE

FROM CRASHING LIGHT AIRCRAFT TO MADONNA'S 'BRITISH' ACCENT..

By Ryan Parry Us Correspondent

THERE's little doubt that the music industry has been responsible for many of the "highs" in our lives. Be it a seminal guitar solo, sublime vocal or lyric that summed up that first teen crush. Then there are the acts themselves - from working-class heroes to art rockers and raucous rappers who have enriched countless lives. But, sadly, there's also little doubt that over the years, the industry has a lot to answer for - including such delights as rock operas, jazz fusion and... Hear' Say.

American music magazine Blender has compiled a list of the "worst things to happen to music", with many Brits in the firing line.

Here is the top 25 in reverse order...

25. Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band: It led to concept albums, progressive rock, musicians taking themselves more seriously than heart surgeons... And is there anyone who hasn't lost the will to live after listening to When I'm Sixty- Four...?

24. Decency Standards: It began in 1967, when the Rolling Stones agreed to change the lyrics of Let's Spend The Night Together to protect the sensitive American public watching the Ed Sullivan show. And now, in 2006, the Rolling Stones are dropping five "offensive" songs so they can play a gig in China.

23. Rock Poets: Despite what Jim Morrison believed, disturbed Freudian ramblings while waving your manhood around on stage is not, alas, poetry.

22. Long Syllables: No matter how hard soul singers try, words such as "girl" and "baby" do not have 25 syllables.

21. Aids: As well as causing many deaths, including that of Freddie Mercury, the most significant damage done by the disease was the demonisation of sex, without which rock 'n' roll becomes pointless.

20. Sting: Sex and drugs and... rainforests?

19. Gilbert O'Sullivan: Back in 1991, suing Biz Markie for sampling his 1972 chart-topper Alone Again (Naturally) opened the doors for dozens of similar court cases.

18. Sean Combs: Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy... Just like many actors, through the years, musicians have routinely changed their names to broaden their appeal. But Sean seems to have upped the ante. If the abbreviations keep going at their present rate, hopefully he'll soon disappear completely.

17. Jazz fusion: Any music that uses jazz as a prefix will make you want to saw your head off in boredom. But none is as tedious as the genre that thought what rock needed was month-long bass solos.

16. Popopera: Main culprits include Andrew Lloyd Webber, Andrea Bocelli, Il Divo and the people who wondered what it would sound like if Puccini jammed with Meat Loaf. Shame on you.

15. "Jukebox" musicals: Why is crowbarring classic rock tunes into a play with a "plot" apparently written on the back of a beer mat so disturbing? We Will Rock You, featuring the music of Queen - that's why. And despite recent flops in the genre, there is no end in sight.

14. Mark David Chapman: The man who shot John Lennon.

13. Woodstock '99: A lame attempt at multi-cultural harmony featuring such joys as Rusted Root and the braindead Insane Clown Posse. It quickly descended into a free-for-all of sexual assault, arson, overdoses and robbery. Not quite the Summer of Love revival it was intended to be.

12. Nearly every hiphop video: Yes, we all know you live in a mansion, drive a pimped-out car and can have tons of scantilyclad ho's pouring champagne down your gullet while you kick it in the hot tub. But how does a generation of hip-hop video producers manage to make decadence seem so... boring?

11. Synthetic drums. The lowest point of the 80s.

10. Electric violins. Three words. Electric. Light. Orchestra.

9. Soprano sax: Kenny G, you know who you are...

8. Replacement lead singers: AC/DC's impressive recovery from singervomit-asphyxiation is the honourable exception. Think Paul Rodgers fronting Queen... it makes the skin crawl.

7. CDs: First, the record companies made us rebuy our entire collection on these plastic discs they promised would never scratch. Then they scratched. Then the companies complained because CDs quickly became a great medium for illegally copying and distributing music.

6. Light air craft: Responsible for the early retirement of Patsy Cline, half of Lynyrd Skynyrd, John Denver, Ricky Nelson, Stevie Ray Vaughan and - on the day the music died - Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens. There's a good reason the tour bus is still so popular.

5. "Colonel" Tom Parker: The Slobodan Milosevic of artist management. Getting his hooks into Elvis in 1955, the Dutch con man artfully steered the King away from making great music and towards the 30- odd largely forgettable movies he made.

4. Madonna's "British" accent. Michigan's finest export.

3. Ecstasy: Guilty of convincing a generation of young adults to cram into filthy warehouses, wave glow-sticks and bounce along to the same monotonous groove for hours on end.

2. Neverland Ranch: It's not as if everything was OK before Michael Jackson moved there but taking up residence at the llama-stocked, Ferris wheel-equipped 2,600-acre southern California ranch did something very strange to him. A superstar went in... and a sad wreck came out.

1. Kids today!: Snivelling whipper-snappers who have no idea of the pleasures of cycling for miles to the local record shop (uphill both ways) to hear the latest releases - because they have already downloaded them on to the iPod cameraphone hanging from the ring in their lower lip.

Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:29 pm

Well, it's good to note Elvis' name absent !

Except in connection with the colonel..............

Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:39 pm

LOL - I love this list.

I agree with everything on it.

A spot-on assessment of everything from CDs to electric drums to hiphop to Colonel Parker to that artsy fartys "Sgt. Concept" arrogance

Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:45 am

I usually HATE these lists........but I must admit I like this one!!!!

Tue Apr 25, 2006 4:19 pm

someone finially got a list right

Tue Apr 25, 2006 4:23 pm

epfan22 wrote:someone finially got a list right


My thoughts exactly. Sting and "Sgt Pepper" in particular belong here. But where is Queen?

Keith Richards, Jr.

Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:06 pm

Only two managers are known worldwide: Colonel Parker and to a lesser extent Brian Epstein.
Now ask anybody anywhere in the world if they can give the name of the manager of the Rolling Stones, the Who, Led Zeppelin or what other worldwide famous artists you can think of.

Managers

Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:02 pm

Peter Grant managed Led Zeppelin and to some degree helped get them together, Jon Landau has managed Bruce Springsteen for years, Steve O'Rourke managed Pink Floyd from the early 70's until his death a few years ago. If you really want me to name the managers for the Stones and The Who I will but I think you get my point. Ask most people outside of Elvis fans who Col. Tom Parker is and they will think he's in the US Army and has something to do with the war in Iraq. To Elvis fans Parker is famous, to Beatles fans Epstein is famous. Outside of the fans of each and outside of the music world I'm guessing you'd be hard pressed to find 20 people who knows who anyones manager is.

Re: Managers

Wed Apr 26, 2006 5:07 pm

johngael wrote:Peter Grant managed Led Zeppelin and to some degree helped get them together, Jon Landau has managed Bruce Springsteen for years, Steve O'Rourke managed Pink Floyd from the early 70's until his death a few years ago. If you really want me to name the managers for the Stones and The Who I will but I think you get my point. Ask most people outside of Elvis fans who Col. Tom Parker is and they will think he's in the US Army and has something to do with the war in Iraq. To Elvis fans Parker is famous, to Beatles fans Epstein is famous. Outside of the fans of each and outside of the music world I'm guessing you'd be hard pressed to find 20 people who knows who anyones manager is.


Like you, I can name several managers too. Andrew Loog Oldham was the first manager of The Rolling Stones. Kit Lambert was the first one for The Who. John B. van Setten was the manager of Dutch band The Outsiders. The wrote a song about him: The ballad of John B.

The point is that the general public have no idea who the manager of an artist or group is/was. Yet many people I meet, including people that are no Elvis fan, know about Colonel Parker being Elvis' manager.

Re: 25 Things that made the music dire!

Wed Apr 26, 2006 5:08 pm

Delboy wrote:5. "Colonel" Tom Parker: The Slobodan Milosevic of artist management.


Very good! :lol: