Off Topic Messages

The Blues

Wed Dec 14, 2005 6:00 am

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the
whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got
a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a
good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport
Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means
being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii
or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or
Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St.
Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get no rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A
woman with male pattern baldness is.. Breaking your leg
'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg
'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or
sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in
it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad
luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston
could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the
Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you
gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair,
substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match
or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer,
Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
Clinton, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or
Lame Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry!

Wed Dec 14, 2005 6:26 am

Well it's a Blue Blue day,
I feel like running away,
I feel like running away,
from the Blues!!!



:wink:

Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:24 am

Sam -
Whatever you do, please don't quit your day job.

Wed Dec 14, 2005 8:48 am

'teenagers can't sing the blues', , 'if you own a computer you can't sing the blues'

says who?

thanks for that comprehensive summary. though i think it needs some refining

Wed Dec 14, 2005 9:03 am

Rob wrote:Sam -
Whatever you do, please don't quit your day job.


What day job??? :wink:



8)

Wed Dec 14, 2005 11:02 am

Scott Haigh 781990EP wrote:'teenagers can't sing the blues', , 'if you own a computer you can't sing the blues'

says who?

thanks for that comprehensive summary. though i think it needs some refining


You're kidding, right? Nobody can be THAT thick (I hope) :roll:

Wed Dec 14, 2005 11:49 am

since mah name is amber, i dun think aaa'll be singin' dem ol' blues away.

i think i'd have to work on outsinging bob dylan first. :shock: :oops:

yeah, i'm that bad.

maybe i should go shoot some men in memphis and see if it improves my singing. hmm, if only i had a time machine i'd save a couple bullets for popping the colonel. :wink: and goldman while i'm at it.

i think the only things i qualify for on there are having slept in my clothes, i think i'm legal for the electric chair, exhibiting an extraordinarily far-back hairline courtesy of dad, and the fact that my dream car is either a model A or something sporty out of the 50s...

i think i'd have better luck qualifying for the california surf-pop list.

Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:34 pm

I'm just a great grandpa gettin' on in years,

no time to be joyful, jus wipen' away tears.

My days are all numbered, I'm close to the end,

It's no joke I'm a tellin' ya, you'll be losin' a friend.


:( They'll be sorry Maurice (Morris) don't you fret, their eyes have been opened, their appetites whet.

For age is a burden not endured long,
Forgive me a moment, as I sing a sad song :lol:

Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:52 pm

sam wrote:Well it's a Blue Blue day,
I feel like running away,
I feel like running away,
from the Blues!!!



:wink:


What's the tune ?

Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:22 pm

i woke up one mornin'
der clock be chimin' o'er 9
sh*t, school.

:lol: um, no.

i woke up one mornin'
i was after 9:30 and i was late fer school
i went wit'out eatin'
i did no homework so i looked a fool
i ain't done no cheatin'
i can't believe i thought taking 3 languages was cool
i do all dat memorizin'
i did no sleep the night 'fore and lookin' a ghoul
i think my brain's doin' some capsizin'
i used to work like mule

my nose be red like rudolph
roll of tp by my side
sick from school
finals awaiting me

(now that is gloomy)

Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:06 pm

Woke up dis monin' had one thing on my mind
Yeah I woke up dis monin' had one thing on my mind
But I done forgot to take my viagra
So I cain't do the bump & grind.

Wed Dec 14, 2005 8:37 pm

:shock: .......man i just got to find another message board!!!...lol

Thu Dec 15, 2005 12:23 am

ColinB wrote:
sam wrote:Well it's a Blue Blue day,
I feel like running away,
I feel like running away,
from the Blues!!!



:wink:


What's the tune ?


Blue Blue Day

It's been a blue blue day, I feel like running away
I feel like running away from it all
My love has been untrue, she's found somebody new
It's been a blue blue day for me
I feel like crying, dying, what can I do
I feel like playing, saying I'm glad we're through
It's been a blue blue day, I feel like running away
I feel like running away from the blues

How can I make believe, that I don't sit and grieve
It's been a blue blue day for me
I can't pretend and say, that I don't love her anyway
It's been a blue blue day for me
I feel like crying, dying, what can I do
I feel like praying, saying I'm glad we're through
It's been a blue blue day, I feel like running away
I feel like running away from the blues