From the files of 'The Two Ronnies'
And now a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett, whose wife thinks he’s the salt of the earth. That’s why she keeps him in the cellar.
And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation because he thinks it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur The Human Chameleon but this afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.
But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest, unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes and the congregation had two minutes’ silence.
At London’s Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs and confiscated a gold watch for himself.
The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
We interrupt this programme for a special bulletin: The Metropolitan police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday’s report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
Following the dispute with the domestic servants’ union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.
Solomon F Potts, America’s most persistent practical joker, was buried today. He’s not dead, it’s just the neighbours getting their own back.
This kitchen appliance completely replaces the milkman – unless you’re the woman at 14 Catbury Drive with the green door.
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, ‘That’s a long time ago.’ ‘I don’t know,’ the general replied. ‘It’s only 20.27 now.’
Next week we’ll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.
We’ll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We’ve already noticed a definite swing to the left.
The Prime Minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17 years by snoring has at last found the answer. He’s going to sleep in another room.
I knew a man who was convicted of stealing a calendar. He got 12 months.
CORBETT: “This next sketch is about two workers caught in an explosion in a ball-bearing factory. In it, I play a man who loses his bearings.” BARKER: “And I play a man who loses his . . . temper.”