Off Topic Messages

For Sue and Carolyn (but guys may also read)

Thu Sep 29, 2005 9:44 am

Here are some words with two meanings, depending on whether you are talking to a male or female.

Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male - Playing cricket without a box.

Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking of on a fishing trip with the boys.

Female - A desire to get married to one man in her lifetime and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on another woman while out with this one.


Female - A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

Making Love

Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male - Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

Remote Control

Female - A device for changing one channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Lastly, a question....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

Answer.....a widow.

Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:46 am

Great thread!!!!

Q: What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party

Q: Why is it called PMS?
A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

A woman went to a doctor and said “Doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm”. The Doctor said “Oh really, what have you been taking for it”? The woman replied “Pepper”!

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and scratch my arse".

Thu Sep 29, 2005 5:34 pm

These are excellent! Rob, I have to disagree with you on one thing though. In our house it is my wife who is constantly changing channels every few minutes. I'm the one that likes to pick a programme and stick with it. How I suffer!

Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:32 am

Thank you! Your definitions definitely give the advantage to the woman!! How lovely of you!!! :lol: :lol:


This one is for you:
The church gossip kept sticking her nose into everyone’s business. One day she chases down George and says that he’s been drinking all day. She knows because she has seen his truck in front of the bar all day long. George doesn’t say a word. He goes home and that night he parks his truck in front of the gossip's house and leaves it there... all night long.

Remember, JLGB, listen to the teacher :!:
Last edited by Silver on Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:55 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:15 am

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women:

End of Report
U.S. Attorney General's Office
Last edited by Silver on Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:19 am

45 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:44 am

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."

Hmm, I don't know if this last one came out right! dumb? No, it did not come our correctly. Maybe naive?
(naively) sue