Off Topic Messages

A Never Ending Story

Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:52 pm

:) ***PLEASE, Only post additions to the story***

Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:56 pm

Our story begins..........

"Okay E, 5 minutes before you go on." It was unclear if Elvis even heard these directions given to him by his road manager Joe Esposito, as he paced infrantically across his dressing room fllor awaiting his moment to enter the stage. This would be his first live appearance in over 9 years, and the tensions was heavy backstage. Elvis, dressed in a slick black colored suit with a shiny red scarf around the neck, slowly walked towards the stage entrance. As he silently stood saying a silent prayer to himself, Charlie Hodge suddenly left his position on the stage and ran towards Elvis yelling......................

Tue Aug 02, 2005 8:23 pm

E.....remember that burrito I had for lunch?!!! Well.... (with a red face) seems we might be short a few scarves tonight!!! Incidently, while that was going on it made me think.....

Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:13 pm

Elvis loved burritos, so he yelled to Joe "hey man, run down to Tico's House Of Taco's and bring me a dozen of those flaming burritos to have after the show." Joe nodded and said "okay boss, now be careful walking on stage or you might slip on the remnants of Charlie's burrito!"

Shortly afterwards, the showroom lights dimmed and the crowd went wild! The band hit the intro music and Elvis nervously strolled out on stage with a slightly nervous smile on his face. He then walked over to Charlie to pick up his guitar. As Charlie was placing it around his neck, Charlie suddenly yelled out "LOOK OUT E - HIT THE FLOOR!" .................................

Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:19 pm

...the world's first stage-diver come hurtling from the bleacher seats to the stage! Splat! Thud! the guy hit and lay there in front of Ronny's drums.

Elvis looked at the world's first stage-diver and said, "Hmm. Sumbitch."

Tonight, instead of doing I Got A Woman/Amen, Elvis decided to perform "Good Rockin' Tonight" from his old Sun era.

Backstage, after the show, there was a knock on his dressingroom door. All the suck-ups clamored to be the one to open the door. When the door opened, Elvis' eyes got real big. He couldn't believe who was standing there.
It was . . . . .

Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:32 pm

spectacle! Maurice looked at Elvis from head to toe and said "lad, one day you're gonna make me a famous man, but for now could I just have an autograph that I can go and show all my friends at the FECC?"

Elvis, looking a bit bewildered said "sure man", and proceded to sign the dazzling Irishman's note pad.

After doing this, Elvis turned around and walked back in the room with the other guests, but he had a strange thought come to mind........

Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:44 pm

Will this guy think of me as a teenager..and claim to have a statue built of me....."Nah boss" said the MM.....Tinc will make sure he deals with him

Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:57 am

... The Colonel himself.

What ya doing here, Colonel? Elvis grinned.

Haven't I told ya I don't want you to disturb me in the dressing room?
Go back to your gambling buddies in the casino, I don't want to see you again, ever!!! You're fired!!!

Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:17 am


Sure you want to challenge me, boy?
This will cost ya, you know!

Elvis slowly stepped forward and looked the Colonel straight into his eyes, reached for the cigar in Parker's mouth, grabbed it, dropped it on the floor and wiped it out... You could hear a needle drop in the dressing room...

I don't care, Colonel! You've been a pain in the ass for too long as it is!
I won't let you ruin my career anymore!
I have plans to go on a world tour next month, and you can't stop me!

Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:43 am

Parker's face turned purple with rage, his cane shook with anger. "Next month, boy? You can't," he raged.

"Why in the Sam Hill not?" Elvis raged back. All eyes in the room shifted between Elvis and Parker as each man spoke.

"Elvis, you have a prior engagement. You gotta make a movie."

"What movie?" Elvis was taken aback. He looked at Joe as if to say Why in the Hell didn't you tell me about this. Joe had no idea.

"Oh you'll love this one," blathered Parker, "it's the story of a singing goatherd who learns to play the mountain horn. All the goats think he is really talented and have a whip-round to pay for him to go to Las Vegas but while there he becomes a race-car driver on the run from the IRS and six women. He then runs off to Hawaii where the women catch up with him and his half-witted buddy and they all end up singing I Still Got the Horn For Those Goats on the beach. Whaddaya think?"

"Hmmm," said Elvis thoughtfully, "I like it. Charlie could play my buddy. I swear that man has Oscar potential. You know, Colonel, I think I've been a little rough on you. You really do seem to have my best interests and artistic integrity at heart. I feel this movie could challenge me as an actor. Here I am, about to go on stage for the first time in 9 years, and I'm bored with it already."

"So, shall I tell Hal Wallis and Charles Marquis Warren that you'll do the film?".....

Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:15 am

....Sam! He walked straight up to Elvis and said "g'day sporting are you feeling right now?" Elvis sighed briefly and said "oh I'm game son, whatcha got goin' on?" Sam's manager replied "my boy wants to challenge you to a drinking contest.........he'll even let you choose the brand!"

Elvis pulled out one of his famous tipped-cigars and lit it up. He stood there puffing away for a moment, then plainly responded "tell Sam that I choose Prune Juice!"

Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:28 am

carolynlm wrote:Little did Elvis know, that Prune Juice was the choice of drink that Sam was hoping for.....Aussies are so full of **** that prune juice is part of their daily diet.....


Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:14 pm

So the challenge had been issed and all details agreed to; it would be Sam verses Elvis in the first annual Prune Juice Consumption Extravaganza!

Since it would be 3 months until the contest, Elvis decided that after he completed his series of concerts in Las Vegas to take a vacation bus trip around the U.S.A. and see the sights. The first leg of the trip would take him through the southeastern U.S.A. since he wanted to pay suprise visitis to some old friends named Big Boss Man, Pete Dube, and Tom in North Carolina. Being the generous man that he was, Elvis purchased some gifts to give to his dear old friends; a king-size box of bologna for the Big Boss Man, a new Jaguar for Pete Dube, and case of Irish Whiskey (that had originally been given to him by a guy named Maurice)for Tom in North Carolina.

A few weeks passed, and Elvis completed his concert engagement in Las Vegas. It was time for the trip to begin! Elvis had the Memphis Mafia prepare his bus, and away they went for what would eventually be one wild trip!

Wed Aug 03, 2005 7:29 pm

But it wasn't the real Elvis on the bus.
That was a decoy to fool the throngs of giddy fans at the hotel entrance.
It was really Charlie wearing wig and sideburns and Dennis What's-His-name sunglasses.

The real Elvis had snuck out the secret kitchen exit and he was driving a black Trans-Am.

As they left the outskirts of town, Elvis got on the Cb and said, "Break 1-9, break 1-9. Snowman, got your ears on?"

Charlie radioed back, "You betcha good buddy. Hey, Bandit, how come we doing this?"

Elvis replied, "Because they said it couldn't be done."

Elvis then popped a Jerry Reed 8-track tape in the dashboard player and rocked to "Big Boss Man" as he zoomed along the highways.

Wed Aug 03, 2005 9:15 pm

So there he was, the "Bandit Elvis" rockin' along in his sleak black trans am, with "Charlie Snowman" driving a heavy 18-wheel truck behind him. There goal was to drive to Atlanta Georgia, pick up a load of banannas and peanut butter, then get back to Memphis in 12 hours!

Suddenly, just as they rounded a sharp curve, there in the road stood a girl (or what appeared to be a girl) wearing a wedding dress. Elvis sharply turned the wheel as the car made a screaching slide to just within an inch of the person. Elvis then gave that sexy smile to the lady and said "hey honey, want to take a ride in my hot set of wheels?" The lady pulled back the vale that had been covering her face, and Elvis' jaw dropped in shock when he saw who it really was..............

Wed Aug 03, 2005 10:50 pm

.... it was his pal Pete Dube. "Doob," said Elvis, "what the hell are you doin' in that wedding dress? Are you one of them tran ... trans ... transvestibules?" "S*#t no!" Doob replied. "I was on deep undercover assignment for the FBI infiltrating the notorious Tortellini crime family. I had become Guido Tortellini's best friend. Guido got married earlier today, and I was his best man. Guido stepped out to take care of a pressing matter, and I was given the assignment to keep his bride company while he was gone. But then she got horny, and started comin' on to me, wanting me to prove that I was the best man. I resisted for a while but I finally gave in. While we were in the midst of our tryst Guido walked in and went ballistic. As I ran out of the room buck naked, I managed to grab the nearest bit of clothing - this wedding dress!" Elvis just stared at Pete for a long time and then .......

Wed Aug 03, 2005 11:02 pm a move reminiscent of Indy facing the swordsman,
Elvis just casually pulled out his revolver and shot the sumb*tch.
And drove on.

But Pete wasn't dead. His cybor-exo-skeleton deflected the bullet and soon Pete rose up and began fast-walking after the Trans-Am.

Meanwhile, Toms Inc. was busy plotting the Cinema Crime of the Century.
Tom Parker intended to dupe Elvis into being in a new movie - but not know it was a movie. (So Elvis wouldn't get paid scale or anything! Only Parker would get the money!!!!!)
Tom had TominNC arrange for the hidden cameras and squibs along the highway. At first Tom didn't want to help but Parker was blackmailing TINC with proof he loved Maurice from afar.

Meanwhile, another bride was in the road flagging down Elvis.
This time the bride was.....

Thu Aug 04, 2005 6:33 pm

... Camilla Parker-Bowles. Elvis stopped, but when he got a close look at Camilla he thought "damn if that ain't the ugliest bride I ever laid eyes on. It's a friggin' wooly booger! Hell, Pete looked better in a wedding dress than this walkin' wildabeast! I don't think even Lamar is hard up enough to screw that! You'd really have to be some sorry a$$, inbred, mule-eared jack-off to wanna get hitched to that!" Elvis floored the Trans Am and high-tailed it out of there .....